Chinese food

Have you ever tried to re-heat Chinese food you've had for a couple of days? You can't. It doesn't work. There is something atomically incorrect about it. Physics will go out of its way, as if it were a sadistic nazi bastard, to keep you from your low down of lo mein!! Explain this to me.

-DPW

Escalator Comfort Zone

Do people violate your elevator comfort zone? I feel that there is a comfort zone on escalators that is stated as so: "When riding an escalator, there shall be no less than one step between each rider, if riders are unknown to each other." This basically states that if I don't know you, don't stand next to me. Some people will come right up and stand on the step right behind you and that creeps me out. Do I smell really good or something? Have you ever had someone try to pass you? You're just standing there minding your own business waiting for whatever level your going to, and some a-hole goes "Excuse me" and brushes right by you. Doesn't any reasonable escalator only take at most 20 seconds?! That's taking too long for someone? Let’s not forget those people who like to walk across the exit breach of the escalator. Do they not realize that, essentially, you are being thrown off this thing? Ever been going down an escalator when you had to start walking backwards to stay in one place, so that you don't run into the person in front of you as they start to hold a conversation with someone getting on the up side? Explain this to me.

-DPW

Sport Utility Vehicles

I live in a giant metropolitan city called Dallas. Yes, Dallas Ohio (There is such a place, but I'm talking about Texas. It's )essentially a concrete jungle. Yet, as I take a survey of the vehicles passing me on the road, one out of five happen to be sport utility vehicles affectionately referred to as SUV's. Isn't the purpose of a Sport Utility Vehicle to be able to conquer any kind of terrain around? Those commercials would have me believe the Chevy Avalanche could ride over Everest. And the Explorer could plow straight through the Atlantic. I remember that time I had to rough it in the harsh terrain of Yellowstone with its bears, wild cannibals, and park rangers. That in dash DVD, digital road map, laptop mount, and plush leather interior really came in handy there. Do you know the last time there was any kind of terrain other than convenient paved roads here in Dallas? Regardless, the dinosaurs don't drive cars outside of the Far Side anyway. So why does everyone need 28 foot long 2.4 miles per gallon land yacht that won't fit into anything but a specially built storage shed? Explain this to me.

Also..

Why is it everyone I talk to that lives in some far off place thinks I own or know how to ride a horse because I live in Texas? The damn thing would kill me if I tried to ride it. It would probably choke me to death. Horses can't even do that! I had to be corrected on that! That's how much I know about them! A survey taken of children in Japan about five years ago had the following question: 'Transportation in Texas is dominated by the following: a) train b) walking c) horseback d) automobile. 'C' got a 79% response. Explain this to me!

-DPW

Restaurant Slogans

Now this is creepy. Have you eaten at a local Wendy's restaurant anytime lately? I did. As I pulled up through the drive through and received my food and exchanged currency, The server looked back at you and said, "We'll see you tomorrow." I want to know why they're so sure they'll be seeing me tomorrow. I don't eat at Wendy's everyday because I like to stay somewhat healthy. If they want to be seeing me tomorrow, they can come find me. I obviously don't go to Wendy's the next day, I opt for Whataburger instead. I make it to the drive through and take my bag of food without problem. This was a success because I paid for my food! No harm, no foul as I'm soon back at the apartment enjoying a meal with good bud Crimson. Near the end of our meal, however we see this highly disturbing message on the bottom of the bag: "Whataburger: There's one near you!" Does this mean they're spying on me!? Remember the old Taco Bell number "Run for the Border!"? Isn't that a little anti-American? I feel like we're in a full fledged fast food conspiracy. I'm wanting to know what other fast food/restaurants are in on this strange subliminal slogan kick. If you out there in digital binary land can find anymore creepy slogans from other eating establishments, let me know.

[ Ed. Note: The fact that they say "There's one near you" is not nearly creepy enough... it's creepy tenfold when you notice... there really IS one near you. Driving home one night, I counted 5. 5 in a 28 mile drive. Not a radius... a drive. Point A to Point B. That's like one every 5 and a half miles. That's creepy. ]

-DPW

Reality TV needs to die and go to hell.

If I see one more NEW, DIFFERENT, EXCITING reality based show, I’m going to get my rifle and head for the bell tower (Scratch that. No one remembers that. Besides there’s more people at the mall) {wait, stop talking about mass murder} [and for Gods sake, quit writing about it!!!]. I swear I saw this add the other day, "..a new series that will change the way you look at reality TV forever!" What the hell is this garbage? We’ve had reality TV for just over a year now. Now we have series that are changing the way we look at it? Sounds like the boat’s about to sink. Or is that the new show from FOX?

18 people stranded on a sinking boat! But what they don’t know is one of them is an expert on boat escape safety, but has amnesia! But what they further don't know is that there's another person with amnesia who's an anti-expert in boat escape safety! And there's another person secretly making the boat sink! They need to find the right one before the boat sinks and possibly takes them all!

What exactly creates reality TV anyway? Lets take a stockpile of reality bases TV shows that have come out over the past year.. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, Survivor, Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, Who Wants to Marry a Prince, The Weakest Link, Spy TV, Fear Factor, Chains of Love, Love Cruise, Temptation Island, do I need to go on? I think a good portion of these shows has already washed away into oblivion. In fact, the only thing worse than the plot of these shows is the fact that they’re even called reality TV in the first place. Millionaire and the Weakest Link are game shows. Well, someone tell Pat Sajak and Alex Trebek they’re part of the new trend. Someone explain this to me. Or tell me something else to watch.

-DPW

Decency

Some people have no respect for those around them. Why can't obnoxiously rude people not use extremely vulgar language in a loaded kids restaurant? Does your music need to that loud in the park? Several people living at the core of the earth want to know what Sam Goody you bought your CD from. For Gods sake, can you bathe!?!? I'm not sure yet if there's a cure for that tumor of ignorance that causes you to laugh at the physically disabled. Last time I went to the overtly loud Schwarzenegger movie I brought my easily upsetable infant with me too! Unfortunately, we'd be matching, but I left my "Fuck You" shirt at home. So fuck me. When you talk to my girlfriend, don't talk to her boobs. Only I have that privilege. It only happens once a month. Don't take that away from me. Why are people so indecent around others? Can you explain this to me?

-DPW

Inadvertent Violation of Personal Space

I'm glad you decided to toss that in the back of my truck. Prepare to die. Have you ever been without a place to throw trash in a parking lot? So instead of littering, you decided to donate it into the back of some poor saps truck? If you have, stop reading this and leave because I hate you. I think I speak on behalf of all American (and for that matter, foreign) truck owners who have been victim of this crime. Unbeknownst to the general public, truck owners do not wish to throw away your trash. That's right! We have much better things to do. Such as feeding kittens, saving lives, and speeding home to catch the latest Friend's episode. On our way to do these things, we mighty be slightly inconvenienced to take your former property you deposited in our vehicles to a garbage receptacle. How would you like it if I started throwing my half full drinks and half eaten hamburgers inside your BMW? Why don't you leave the window cracked just a little bit next time you go out. And why is always food or food wrappers? Why can't you toss gold bars, hockey tickets or something semi-valuable like an 8 Track into my truck? I might find use for the 8 track. Somebody explain this to me.

-DPW