So it's the beginning of a new year, more or less, and it's time to gear up for a whole new year of disappointments even more resounding than last year. Depressing, no? Well.... it may not be all that bad, as the line-up coming along later in the year seems vastly superior to last year's (but then, remember how promising last summer was supposed to be?). Of course these first few months are going to suck -- January through March and August through September are Ass Periods of Hollywood, wherein the studio dumps out all its dogs to swindle a quick buck before rolling out (in the former) the summer blockbusters or (in the latter) the Oscar contenders. Each film here I deem worthy to comment on for good or ill, and there's an up arrow or a down arrow at the end of each summary, giving my general impression. Exciting, no?

You'll notice I only go through to the end of June -- that'd be the first six months of the year for those of you who still count on your fingers. I figure this is enough for one sitting, and next update I'll bring you the scoop on the last half of 2002's movie prosects.

Let's begin.

John Q (February 15) - Stupid title, stupid movie. I don't know why, but Denzel Washington seems primarily stuck on two kinds of movies: subpar thrillers (The Bone Collector, Fallen), or Hallmark cards with R ratings (The Hurricane). So, great. Morally grey hostage-taker wants to save his son's life. Holds up hospital. Media circus ensues. At least there isn't one of those stock kill-'em-all SWAT Commander/Army General characters around to up the "suspense." Oh wait, there is! Pass.

Panic Room (March 8) - What do you say when one of Hollywood's edgiest directors (David Fincher) teams with one of the most respected actresses in the business (Jodie Foster)? I don't know, how about "why didn't they pick a better movie?" Check it: Jodie Foster and her daughter move into a home that, for whatever reason, has the titular (I love that word) room that can effectively seal itself off from the outside world, complete with outside phone line and monitors overseeing the entire interior of the house. Question: why would an otherwise normal house ever have a room like this? The room looks like it could rival most bank vaults. It just doesn't work, people; normal house, Department of Defense room, Jared Leto in a supporting role. WTF?

Unfaithful (April 1, no kidding) - Adrian Lyne, director of Fatal Attraction and Indecent Proposal, takes on a film about infidelity. No, really. Sleaze is sleaze, I don't care how you paint it up.

Spider-Man (May 3) - Because I am a nerd, I will be right upfront and say there's no possible way I can be objective about this movie. It could suck, but lately nerd fetishes have been turning out some major quality (and major bucks, let us not forget) in the theatres, and with Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst leading the cast, I see no reason why this should be a failure. Sam Raimi directs, and Bruce Campbell's in it! I mean c'mon! Bruce motherfuckin' Campbell!

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (May 16) - That sound you hear is half the world's population foaming at the mouth over the new Star Wars flick. Being that this is more or less a guaranteed smash, and being that hardcore fanboy nerds are notoriously hard to please (like anyone gives a fuck what they think), there's been some bad press surrounding this flick. N*Suck, for one. And then people lambasting the name for being cheesy. C'mon, folks, we must all be blinded by the rosy glasses of nostalgia on, because Return of the Jedi and The Empire Strikes Back aren't exactly Kubrick-style titles. Nonetheless, they are classic titles because they are so simple and so profound. They practically carry the sense of adventure in their simple syllables. Plus, there's a new Fett! Let it be known that I am perhaps one of two dozen people in the continental United States that loved Phantom Menace unabashedly and without reserve, and I believe Attack of the Clones will be no different. God bless you, George Lucas. You do great things.

Insomnia (May 24) - A wee bit on the mysterious side. Al Pacino plays a detective caught up in a web of blackmail and murder. The kick? He never sleeps, hence the title. Directed by Christopher Nolan (Memento) and apparently in good old-fashioned B&W, this one should pack a punch that won't fade in short time. Check out the original Insomnia (1997) on Criterion DVD.

The Bourne Identity (June 14) - Not much to say other than it's one of those amnesia-induced psychological thrillers. Yawn, usually. The fact that this is "based on the novel by Robert Ludlum" makes it sound as promising as the prospects for The Mod Squad II. But hey, we've got Matt Damon and Clive Owen (Croupier) lending their juggernaut acting abilities, so maybe there's something here. Usually the name Doug Liman (director of Go and Swingers) would be a surefire promise of quality, but the guy's never tackled a real thriller before. Worth a shot.

Scooby-Doo (June 14) - And opening opposite The Bourne Identity is this steaming pile of cartoon dog shit. Matthew Lillard and Sarah Michelle Gellar, not two of America's finest thespians, star opposite a cgi creation that will no doubt make Jar-Jar Binks look like Shaft in comparison. Every single lame-ass joke that's the repertoire of all bad stand-up comedians enters the picture intact: the implied pot-smoking of Shaggy, the implied lesbianism of Daphne, yaddida yaddida. I figure the only reason stuff like this gets greenlighted is because it costs about $20 to make, and if the box office yield is $40, hey, the studios got themselves a 100% profit.

Minority Report (June 28) - Spielberg helms this sci-fi thriller with Tom Cruise in the leading role. Cruise plays a cop from the future whose job it is to stop criminals before they commit a crime. But then, naturally, Cruise is suddenly the pursued instead of the pursuer, and he must find out what crime he is supposed to commit, and how he can stop it from happening. Not too shabby a concept, but name me the last time Spielberg successfully directed a sci-fi adventure that didn't suck. If you said Jurassic Park, you'd be right, and that was nearly a decade ago. Still, Spielberg and Cruise are the top men in their fields, and since this film's being released right at the crux of the summer, so 20th Century Fox is relying pretty heavily on this one. Based on a short story by Philip K. Dick, one of the ubermeisters of sci-fi.