Part two.

Here we take a turn from late summer into fall and winter, with the last of the great summer movies right up front, through the shit, and right into the latter months of the year, when studios roll out their Big Guns in hopes of nailing an Oscar or two.

So naturally I can't wait to rip 'em. Here goes, from July to December, the big-big-BIG movies of the upcoming year.

Men in Black 2 (July 3) - I.. don't really know how to tell you this, but in case you need to be reminded, the first MIB wasn't exactly the end-all be-all of comedy. It had great potential, and great wit, but positively zero execution. Barry Levinson, for all his visual flair, has very rarely followed through with the kind of gut-busting laughter necessary for the movies he makes. Granted, the first MIB had a hype machine on it to shame most Superbowls, and too much hype always sullies a good flick. This one has zero hype, so far. Maybe if it stays that way, the movie will be better. But I'm not counting on it.

Bond 20 (July 22) - Mmmm. Pierce Brosnan. Why, if I were of a type to... no, you probably shouldn't be reading that. At any rate, I will say right up front that I believe Brosnan to be the best Bond since Connery. He is everything Bond should be, so calm and collected in the face of absurd danger, so that when he freaks out (As he did amply in The World is Not Enough), we are all truly shaken. Stirred. Whatever. There's Halle Berry, making the movie appearance that breaks her nudity streak (I shake my fist at you, gods). There's Brosnan. There'll probably be shit that explodes. What saddens me is that Brosnan won't be Bond much longer, and Q is dead. Ah well, there's always John Cleese as R.

Austin Powers in Goldmember (July 26) - Coincidence that it opens 4 days after the Bond flick? Probably not. There was a time when I was convinced that Mike Myers was some odd kind of comedic genius, one that occasionally got so wrapped up in his own little comedic quirks that he got cutely eccentric. Upon viewing the first two Austin Powers flicks recently, I realized there's precisely three good things about them: the chicks (Hurley and Graham), Dr. Evil, and Seth Evil. Beyond that the movies degenerate pretty quickly into sight gags, bodily-function humor (humour?), and laughing at physical grotesques. In other words, they suck. Sorry.

Signs (August 2) - All you have to say is "M. Night Shyamalan," and I'm there. This man is this generation's Spielberg, and I will see anything he makes, ever. The movie could be about fluffy angel dogs that save lives and ooze moral platitudes. It could be about Austin Powers. It could, god help us, be another Scream movie. All I know is, if it's got Shyamalan's name on it, I'm there. Probably with an erection.

XXX (August 2) - So suddenly Vin Diesel's like this "superstar." Why's that? Because he was in some quick-cash-and-fade movie that actually stuck around for awhile, only because every other single movie in theatres was not worthy to wax Ed Wood's testicles. Seriously, I saw The Fast and the Furious and I could actually feel my IQ drop. Really feel it. Anyway, Diesel's apparent starpower comes from his hulking form and his total lack of charisma. So they drop him in this hyper-action "spy" flick where Diesel does a bunch of (yawn) Matrix-style feats of magnificence. Look, the only reason The Fast and the Furious was labelled a "surprise success" is because people were surprised it succeeded, seeing as it had no right to. Okay?

Ripley's Game (Fall) - WOO TO THE MOTHERFUCKIN' HOO! The Talented Mr. Ripley was the best movie of 1999, and another movie based on Patricia Highsmith's highly acclaimed Tom Ripley series is hot on its heels, starring none other than everyone's favorite oddball, John Malkovich as Ripley. My only reservation is that this one's director isn't the same as Talented, and thus becomes a wildcard. Still, if it's half as good as the 1999 flick, this'll be one of the best movies of the year. Joy!

Star Trek: Nemesis (Winter) - Nobody's saying a goddamned word about what's going on in this flick. But there's a key element here: Patrick Stewart. I think that's all that really needs to be said.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (November 15) - I'm not really sure I even need to comment. I see no reason why the competence of Sorceror's Stone won't be prevalent in Chamber, so we can pretty much expect the same kind of thing. That is, we can expect wizardry on and off screen, with a certain charm lost to pretty much any kid's film made these days. That is, a kid's film that doesn't overstuff itself with 'adult jokes', doesn't talk down to its audience, and manages to ensnare the adults anyway. Hot damn.

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (December 18) - As above, so below. If Two Towers retains even half the all-star badassosity of Fellowship, then we basically have the best picture of the year right here. Only thing I can think to say that sucks about it is that we have to wait all fuckin' year just to see it. Hey, it could be three hours of ringwraiths and I'd be all over it.