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A disturbing amount of people in America have a tendency,
upon entering a movie theatre, to forget that there are other
schmucks who shelled out seven dollars for the same film in
the same room as them. So they go on with their cell phones,
smelly children, and whatnot to their heart's delight, not
giving a whit about the comfort of others..
Surely, this is a savage time. But fear not. I've compiled
here a simple list of harmless, lighthearted reminders for
those who need a gentle reminder of how to act in the cinema.
| Do NOT
bring your screaming, mewling little brats to an R-rated
film |
| One would think this would
go without saying. But no, negligent parents decide to
skip footing the bill for a baby-tamer and let their smelly
little rugrats ruin the fun for the rest of us. For the
love of god, people, I saw entire families, tiny brat
tots and all, come into a theatre to see 8mm. What are
you thinking? |
| Suggested
punishment for violation: Parents should guzzle one
gallon of popcorn butter per child. (Punishment contributed
by William) |
| Leave
the goddamn cell phone at home |
| Now, I know you all want everyone
else to know just how important you are and that you must
have a ringing device attached to you at all times, whether
in transit or just sitting. God forbid you actually sit
in silent contemplation with yourself. At any rate, I've
had enough of people who forget to turn off their damn
cell phone when they enter a theatre. Better yet! Leave
it in the car. Or even! Imagine! *gasp* LEAVE IT AT HOME!
And don't you even dare think about carrying on a conversation
during a movie. You would think this is a needless warning,
but I've seen it happen more than once. |
| Suggested
punishment: A device that constantly buzzes and vibrates
shall be implanted in the violator's ear. Also, the device
will be equipped with a transistor to pick up and broadcast
inane chatter into the person's brain. |
| Close
your idgit mouths when you chew |
| Didn't your mother teach you
better? It is, believe it or not, possible to eat food
while keeping your lips together. Eliminates smacking
lips and other forms of obnoxiousness. |
| Suggested
punishment: Strap the offender to the sticky floor
of the theatre, and stuff their ears with peanut butter
(to attract hungry roaches). |
| On second
thought, just keep your mouth shut the whole time |
| Really. Just don't talk. No
one wants to hear your stupid jokes or your snide commentary.
Nobody. If you're with a group of people and some of them
don't stop talking, it's your responsibility to shut them
up. If you talk along with them, then you're all up for
legal slaying. |
| Suggested
punishment: Skinned. The skin will be tanned and stretched,
then stitched to other skins in order to create a fleshy
movie screen. (Punishment contributed by William) |
| Laser
pointers are for bastard junior high kids |
| Yes, we realize that owning
a laser pointer gives you a unique advantage when it comes
to subversion of authority and that it generally helps
your Damn the Man agenda, but not at the fucking movie
theatre, okay? |
| Suggested
punishment: The device will be shoved into the offender's
eyesocket to prove how dangerous lasers are to eyes. |
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