The Academy Awards are upon us. And thank god for 2002, mm? Looking at the list of nominees, I can honestly say that for the first time in many years I am quite pleased with how the nomination list turned out (Best Foreign Film excluded). Are we excited? I know I'm excited. The broadcast will be coming to us on March 23rd for the last time this year, because the Academy thought a show earlier in the year would seperate the Oscars from the other Awards shows, and give the Oscars more of a unique feel.

Not very smart. Naturally, the other awards shows (Golden Globes, SAG, etc.) will adjust their time slots in order to ride Oscar's coattails anew. It'll also cross out slow-build independent films Oscar bids -- witness last year's Best Picture category. Had the Oscars been held a month earlier than they were, In the Bedroom would have swept up on its hype, but eventually lost out because it ran out of gas by the time March 23rd rolled around. Ah well. We all know that Hollywood types aren't always the world's greatest planners. A regular business could have made Waterworld for $20.

And Steve Martin is back! The single greatest host Oscar has seen in years is back, and by god, this time I may actually be able to sit and watch the whole thing all the way through! Anyway. On to year-old text, because I'm not feeling original enough to rewrite the same thing.

Predictions and betting odds are being tossed around left and right, and I figure, what movie section is complete without a little bit of our own wagering pool? By no means am I encouraging that you gamble based on my predictions... c'mon now, you barely know me. Plus I'd want a cut of any cash you won.

But here's something Unique and Funky: A contest! Yes, that's right, you can win shit. The details are pretty basic. To enter the Oscar Oscar Revolution Giveaway contest, simply send in your picks for the ten categories I discuss below between now and March 22nd. That's one day before the Oscars, for those not "in the know," and so on. The contest is based on how accurate your predictions are -- how many of the 10 you nail dead-on. Any comments you may have on your picks would be worth adding, because if it's particularly entertaining, I'll post it all on the site after the Oscars and share with the world your nuggets of wisdom.

First place will receive a previous Best Picture film of their choice on video or DVD. Second and third place prizes are yet to be determined, but they will be some kind of solid object -- and worth your time. Let it be known that if you pick the Shakespeare in Love DVD as your prize, both your winning spot and your life will be violently revoked.

For a full list of the nominees, click here, but not here.

Without further ado...

Best Picture

What Will Win: Gangs of New York. Scorsese took out an ad in the New York Times back in 1977, declaring that his next project was to be an epic by the name of Gangs of New York. And that officially makes the Gangs of New York debauchle older than I am. Everyone heard the stories of skyrocketing budgets, massive sets, and tempermental stars, but then, we all heard the same things about Titanic -- and that ended up working out pretty well for James Cameron. Gangs of New York is, to me, the best domestic picture of the year, and shall rightfully claim a Bald Bastard come March 23rd.

What Should Win: Gangs of New York. Yup.

I Will Firebomb the Kodak Theatre if Chicago Wins. Actually everything that was nominated deserved to be. Chicago was pretty decent, though I think the major hooplah is mostly undeserved. Queen Latifah was quite good, Catherine Zeta-Jones deserves the Oscar, but Richard Gere is just plain goofy and the whole thing is just a little too hackneyed for me. Sorry.

Best Actor

Who Will Win: Daniel Day-Lewis. I was torn up on this one. Originally, I thought Day-Lewis would qualify as a Best Supporting Actor, and in that case he would be a shoo-in. I also thought Jack Nicholson would grab the Oscar for About Schmidt as Best Actor. But then the nominations come out, and I find that both Day-Lewis and Nicholson, my golden boys for the Golden Boy (ha, ha) are going head to head. Well, Jack Nicholson has his share of Oscars, and Day-Lewis truly has the edgier work. More power to him. The Pianist was too little, too late to give Adrien Brody a solid chance, and Michael Caine didn't do anything in The Quiet American that we don't already expect from him on a regular basis. (It is my opinion that the true star of The Quiet American was Brendan Fraser, anyway.)

Who Should Win: Daniel Day-Lewis. Yup.

I Will Firebomb the Kodak Theatre if Nicholas Cage Wins. I actually have nothing against Nicholas Cage, and he did quite a good job in Adaptation, but I happen to have a kind of love-hate relationship with Charlie Kaufman (hate his vastly overrated work, love the fact that he draws attention to screenwriters like no one else). Adaptation proved the hypothesis I formulated upon seeing Being John Malkovich: Charlie Kaufman can't write a third act to save his life. Anyway. The movie is too much of a dark horse to get the Oscar to Cage this time around. Maybe next time.

Best Actress

Who Will Win: Julianne Moore. You couldn't take a piss in the magazine section of a bookstore without reading a cover story about this woman finally grabbing and Oscar for her performance in Far From Heaven. What blows my mind is the sudden mention of Meryl Streep as the top runner; she was solid in the first two acts of Adaptation, but the whole thing fell apart at the end (see Cage, Nicholas, above). She has enough awards and nominations to do her just fine, and it's recognition time at the Kodak Theatre.

Who Should Win: Salma Hayek. If last year's Oscars taught me anything (besides the fact that the AMPAS isn't above pandering for political relevancy), it's that breakout performances can (and should) be recognized at the highest level. What we have here is at true phenomenon, and Hayek's body of work is so many and varied that it's about time she got her recognition. The risque content of Frida, however, will strike against her.

I Will Firebomb the Kodak Theatre if Diane Lane Wins. Adrian Lyne is a scumbag. And, by the way, he makes shitty movies. Diane Lane is a talented woman, but she is not nor will she ever be an Oscar-caliber actress. I suppose the Academy was running out of ideas when they threw one her way.

Best Supporting Actor

Who Will Win: John C. Reilly. I like the guy and all, but his caricature in a movie full of broad strokes stuck out to me in no way at all, but buzz is buzz, and he's got that going for him.

Who Should Win: Paul Newman. He's Paul Fucking Newman!

I Will Firebomb the Kodak Theatre if Chris Cooper Wins. Funny teeth and goofball antics do not a good role make.

Best Supporting Actress

Who Will Win: Catherine Zeta-Jones. Before Chicago, I had absolutely no opinion on CZJ one way or another. I did not find her particularly talented or attractive. And during Chicago, I couldn't get enough of her. I wished the movie was about her character, her vampiness, the way she eats up a screen simply by smiling, wow. Stunning. Do I sound like I'm typing with my jaw on the floor? Because that's how I was when she was on screen.

Who Should Win: Aww yeah.

I Will Firebomb the Kodak Theatre if Julianne Moore Wins. I just don't believe in double wins, that's all. There's no reason to give two awards to one person when there are so many fine performances on the table.

Best Director

Who Will Win: Martin Scorsese. All I have to say I said above, in Best Picture.

Who Should Win: Martin Scorsese. Yup.

I Will Firebomb the Kodak Theatre if nobody Wins. Scorsese, Polanski, Almodóvar, how could you go wrong? Give it to anyone, I'm fine with it.

Best Animated Film

What Will Win: Spirited Away. A stunningly original visual feast that shows American audiences that children's entertainment does not have to be patronizingly stupid to its audience -- that it can, in fact, be equally as compelling for adults. There is a purity to the storytelling in this movie that any kind of movie would do well to notice.

What Should Win: Spirited Away. Yup.

I Will Firebomb the Kodak Theatre if Ice Age Wins. Oh. A cgi movie with a bunch of B-list celebrities voicing characters spouting "witty" one-liners and double entendrés that only work occasionally. I've never seen that before, except every year since Toy Story came out.

Best Foreign Film

No matter what, I'm going to firebomb the Kodak Theatre for this one. City of God is one of the best movies I have ever seen, so visually alive and so eager to tell a story that you can't help but be swept up almost instantly. The fact that most Academy members could walk out of a movie like this tells me that these same Academy members should take a long walk off a short pier overlooking rabid pigs with three layers of spiked teeth.

You're on your own in this category, folks.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Who Will Win: Chicago. This will be the compensation award for giving none of the highest four awards to Chicago. The adaptation is good, the dialogue (what little of it there is) is compelling and fun, and besides, I'd give my left nut to make sure Adaptation doesn't win.

Who Should Win: Chicago. Yup.

I Will Firebomb the Kodak Theatre if Adaptation by Charlie Kaufman Wins. No, I will not declare the nominees for this as Charlie and Donald Kaufman. Yes, it sickens me that the Academy is willing to play along with Charlie Kaufman's very stupid, self-satisfied little joke. Adaptation's smugness bothered me on so many levels that I can hardly discuss it without getting upset. I'm getting verklempt even typing about it. See what you've done!

Best Original Screenplay

Who Will Win: My Big Fat Greek Wedding. The only major nomination this movie nabbed, so the Academy had better hand Nia Vardalos the Bald Bastard, or they're going to have a riot on their hands. It is not the best script, but politically it is the most deserving.

Who Should Win: Gangs of New York. Yup.

I Will Firebomb the Kodak Theatre if nobody Wins. I don't care enough.