So how about those BET Awards Sunday night, eh?

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Now that I've appropriately pissed you off, let's cut to the chase and announce the winner of the Oscar Oscar Revolution Giveaway Contest.

[From the back Crimson comes down to the main podium, to the enthusiastic fanfare of the pit orchestra. Silence hushes over the crowd.]

Crimson: Hi folks. Why did the farmer cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken!

[Polite laughter from the crowd.]

Crimson: This award goes to the person most deserving of a DVD or some such because of his or her abilities to prophesy the winners of the mostly arbitrary Academy Awards. Without further ado, the winner is…

[Dramatic pause as Crimson fumbles open the envelope.]

Crimson: "Grated cheese?" [Looks around] Did someone give me the wrong envelope?

[Confusion, startled laughter.]

Crimson: No no, really. The winner is CRYS383@BOLT.COM! Crys, drop me an e-mail, apparently my mail server's having problems sending to yours. Congratulations, et cetera. Good call you made with this particular comment for your pick for Denzel Washington as Best Actor:

"Because it seems that everybody has been getting themselves into a tizzy about nominating black actors. They talk about actors being nominated but never winning and that this would be the first time since Sidney Poitier. Oh well. I say that the awards have been given to the people who've earned them (except Roberto Benigni...he's just too lovable for them to ignore....and others) and not because of race. Big deal if they're black. If they did a better performance than the others than they should win it. Personally I don't think he did but the Academy might be looking to pull something here. And, to be honest, I think the Academy is tiring of Russell just a wee bit."

Crimson: How right you were, Cris.

[Wavy lines; pretense at comedy dissolves into regular essay-like text.]

So this is what I get for going out on a limb, thinking the Academy might actually take some risks. No Bald Bastards for In the Bedroom, Ghost World, or Memento. And it turns out that Gosford Park won Best Original Screenplay despite all my voodoo incantations, so according to my past claims, it's time we firebomb the place, beautiful as it may be. Who's with me?

Let me be the first to ask. Who told Whoopi Goldberg she was funny? Whoever did, you owe a massive debt to the rest of humanity. I plan to extract our vengeance in blood. Yes, Whoopi, we know you're black. Thanks for reminding us again and again. And again.

Oh, and Whoopi? If you ever, ever make fun of a victim of schizophrenia again, especially when said victim is in the audience, I will personally strangle you on their behalf. What's next, you overrated has-been? Were you planning on mocking some retarded kids in wheelchairs?

Despite that little hiccup, I have very few qualms with the Oscars at the Apollo. Halle Berry was the most deserving woman, and I am glad that she won. Her speech really was something to see, and I retract any previous negative comments I have made at her expense. She is a role model. Denzel Washington, though? Hardly the best man for the award this year. C'mon, folks, this guy hasn't made an Oscar-worthy film since nineteen ninety-fucking-three. Give it up, people.Washington hasn't been valid in nearly ten years.

Had I known the Academy was saluting Sidney Poitier with an honorary Oscar, I would have predicted Washington to win Best Actor alongside Berry. It's not that I do not appreciate the historical significance of such an event. I realize the milestone Berry and Washington have created, and the beacon they represent to the rest of their race that barriers can be brought down, even if it takes 74 years.

What I do not appreciate is the Academy's overwhelming show of self-importance. They salute Poitier, so what's the next logical step? Why, hand the awards over to the first duo of African-American Best Actor and Actress nominations in Oscar history. As I said before, Berry was deserving, but Washington was not. What we have here is a calculated maneuver by the AMPAS to show that they're really just a bunch of good guys. No, really.

Some are more optimistic than me, speculating that this is the end of an old era of ignoring actors and actresses of color. I disagree. This is a move by the Academy to make history in their own arena simply because they could, and it was not a very heartfelt gesture. As Denzel Washington rather cannily put it at the beginning of his acceptance speech, this maneuver was killing "two birds with one stone." I doubt, however, if he realized the subtext of his own statement. The Academy made a move to shed a bit of its Whites-Only image. Will this truly change anything?

Certainly not.

Other folks, more cutely cynical than I, believe this was a calculated maneuver from the word "Go." They state the interesting idea that the Academy nominated Washington, Berry, and Will Smith for the same reason they gave two of them Oscars: they had an agenda to fulfill. I disagree. I do not believe the Academy is that smart or organized. Besides, that writer works for Salon.com, and is thus a) a fuckhead, and b) insufferably pompous.

No, I'm pretty sure nominations were tossed out pretty much at random, and though Washington's nomination was more or less a crock, he was hardly alone in being thrown a bone. Hell, Sean Penn got nominated for easily his worst work in years. The Academy, thus realizing from all the press surrounding the nominations that they had the chance to make history, then voted to do so.

Think about it. It's the biggest freakin' PR coup in the history of the AMPAS, and they stumbled their way into it. Now we're going to be hearing about it for months, accompanied by the usual soft-core empowerment speeches we've all grown numb to.

On a happier note, I again send my praise to Halle Berry. It's yours, you earned it, congratulations. I would also like to extend my congratulations to the team behind A Beautiful Mind, who managed to pull out three top Oscars despite unfair criticism of the story and the lead actor. My condolences to Nicole Kidman, and the un-nominated Guy Pearce. Your time will come.