"I want you to tell all your friends about me." "You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?" "How about a kiss, anticlaus?" "Riddle me this, riddle me that, who’s afraid of the big, black bat?" "Heads, we accept. Tails we blow your damn head of." "The ground, it's all metal. It's full of holes. You know, holey." "Chicks like you give women a bad name." "So many people to kill, so little time." A memorable quote from every costumed crime fighter and criminal in the series. Well, minus Freeze and Bane who say nothing amusing and just plain nothing respectively. SO here’s a little different kind of review, four movies in one. Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, and the horrific Batman & Robin. Let’s kick off with some overviews, Batman:

The plot:
Batman squares off against the Joker under the guiding hand of Tim Burton.

The Bat:
Michael Keaton. Keaton plays Batman to a tee: dark, succinct, and awkward with beautiful women who want nothing more than to get in his pants… er, tights. Keaton plays a Bruce Wayne quite different from that of the comics however. His Bruce has a wild side that the comic Bruce didn’t. He stands up to the Joker, as Wayne, and gets a little crazy. He’s also slightly more down to earth than the comic Wayne. Most people agree that Keaton IS Batman (and he does have the infamous line "I’m Batman."), and I truly find it difficult to disagree. His face is kind of bothersome, but his acting is spot-on.

The Baddie:
The Joker, played by Jack. If you don’t know Jack, well then you don’t know… jack. Nicholson personifies the comic book Joker’s malice, macabre humor, and theatrical flair, plus lends the character that cool voice of his. He has some of the best lines in the series, and his delivery is among the best in the business. One of THE cinema villains.

The Girl:
Kim Basinger as Vikki Vale, a reporter who, over the course of the movie, has romantic attachments to both Batman and the Joker. Basinger plays the role well, but there really isn’t much role to play. Vale is basically there for three reasons: a) so Nicholson gets some screen time without the Bat. B) Sex appeal. She was still hot when this came out. C) To initiate a few extra confrontations between the Bat and the Baddie. She’s purely a plot point, but she’s a good one.

The Rest:
Billy Dee Williams and Jack Palance both play politicians. Both are good in their roles, but they serve a similar set of purposes to Vikki: A) so Nicholson gets some screen time without the Bat. B) so there’s a political angle, cause, you know, Batman is all about politics. C) Sex appeal. They were still hot when this came out.

Best Scene:
The museum. Start it off with a brilliant sequence of the Joker re-inventing classic art, with a beautiful musical accompaniment and excellent visual flair. Then you get to see Nicholson flaunt his delivery, as he taunts Vikki. The scene finishes up with the first clash of Batman and the Joker.

Individual Score:
A+ A masterpiece. Burton at the helm, Keaton in the mask, Jack in the makeup, and Basinger in the obligatory helpless babe part.

Batman Returns:

The Plot:
Batman is getting hit from all sides; corrupt politician Max Shrek is trying to put the Penguin in charge of Gotham, The Penguin is trying to frame Batman, Catwoman shows up, and of course, there’s about six hundred penguins with rockets strapped to their backs.

The Bat:
Keaton’s back as the Bat, but Batman’s a little less dark, and Wayne’s a little less excitable. Also, both characters are put into a rather unique romantic conflict. Keaton handles it like a pro.

The Baddies:
You’ve got Danny Devito as the grotesque Penguin. He’s angry, violent, foul smelling, and unbelievably horny. He’s fucking funny. Devito pulls this off better than you’d think, he’s creepy when he needs to be, and he pulls off the look just a little too well. The second banana villain is Max Shrek, played by one of my personal favorite actors, Christopher Walken. Shrek is the anti-Wayne. Both have lots of money and power, but the similarities end there. Shrek is a sleazy, corrupt, sexist scumbag. His only redeeming quality is his unconditional love for his son. He pushes Selina through a window early on, ultimately triggering her transformation into Catwoman. Shrek is really the only non super character in the series who can stay on screen with the likes of Batman or Catwoman, and not be upstaged.

The Girl:
Michelle Pfeifer plays Catwoman, whose alignment is up to the viewer. You ask me, anyone out to stop muggers and maybe kill off a few tyrants in the process is a hero. Anyhow, Pfeiffer is great as the mousy Selina Kyle, and as the lither Catwoman. Pfeifer rounds out an already stunning cast, and pretty much steals the spotlight from everyone but Walken. And when you’re on camera with Devito, and a guy dressed in a giant rodent suit, that’s no mean feat. Of particular note: the scene after Kyle’s near fatal fall, and the classic climax. Pfeifer has about as much if not more screen time than Keaton, just for those keeping score. Her character’s name shoulda been in the title.

The Rest:
Nothing to say here.

Best Scene:
The movie is full of great scenes and visuals (name a Tim Burton picture that isn’t), but the finale featuring all four leads, but especially Walken and Pfeifer, stands out.

Individual Score:
A+. The cast makes this movie. The four leads are excellent, and, had they been cast in the god awful final installment (Keaton as Batman, Walken as Freeze, Pfeifer as anyone, Devito as… er, Robin?) they could have saved it. And that’s saying something.

Batman Forever

The Plot:
The Riddler invents some sort of brain stealing gizmo, gets Two Face and Drew Barrymore in on it, hits on Nichole Kidman, and generally provides plenty of Jim Carrey antics. On a side note, Robin pops up.

The Bats:
Kilmer replaces Keaton. Kilmer plays the exact Batman from the comics. And the exact Wayne from the comics. I rather liked Keaton’s variation, but Kilmer is good too. However, by staying true to the comic book formula, he really only has to act a few times in the movie. When he does, his delivery is great. Even if you don’t think he lives up to Keaton, cut the guy a break. He was
Mad fucking Martigan, remember? Batman gets a sidekick this time around, played surprisingly well by Chris O’Donnell. O’Donnell’s Robin is older, more intelligent, infinitely more independent, violent, and rebellious than the initial comic Robin. I happen to like it. He has pretty good chemistry with both Kilmer and Jones, and his costume turned out much better than I thought it would.

The Baddies:
Jim Carrey is the Riddler. He IS the Riddler. IS IS IS. Really, this was the only good role for him between Truman and Hank (and even Truman was only so-so) . He has energy, attitude, and a really cool hairdo. His costume’s a bit much, but it works because he IS the Riddler. He works great on stage with Jones, and his contrast to Kilmer is quite good. Speaking of Jones, he’s great too. A less serious but much more charismatic Two-Face than the comic book mobster. Jones is in the same league as Nicholson and Walken in my book, and he seems to have lot of fun with this/these role(s). He compliments all the other leads quite well, and his makeup is excellent. Also, Drew Barrymore and Vivica A. Fox are his henchwomen.

The Girl:
Nichole Kidman as some kind of psychiatrist. I’ve seen the movie several times but I’m usually paying more attention to her hot lacey nighty than her psycho babble and romantic indecision. Her connection with Kilmer is nothing special, but the scene in the Riddler’s sanctum with Carrey is quite nice. Plus, she’s friggin hot.

The Rest:
In all honesty, after the first Batman, there is no "rest".

Best Scene:
Tough one… The party, which includes Two Face, Batman, and incognito Riddler with the very appropriate line "Your entrance was good… his was better." There’s another good one liner about movie rights and planning that I’m too lazy to look up. It may have involved ninjas in some way. Anyways, the scene has good dialogue, great presence, and a decent fight bit.

Individual Score:
B+. Not up to par. Shumacher takes over here and I have to say he doesn’t have the way with mood that Burton does. Schumacher should only make explosion movies.

Batman and Robin

The Plot:
Several actors that could have done much better than they did further disgrace the prior three films. Basically, Bane is in here as a mindless thug as opposed to the cunning, clever brawler that deduced Wayne’s ID in the comics. Arnold plays Mr. Freeze, who is for some reason working with Poison Ivy. Batman and Robin™ have some tension about miss Ivy, and Alicia Silverstone pops up as Batgirl. Also, by the end of the movie, everybody is dressed like a Vegas dancer.

The Bats:
Clooney forever shames the mantle of the Bat. I sincerely hop he grows some sort of painful and incurable fungus in his loins, That said, he is watchable in other movies. But he still needs to burn. O’Donnell is strictly average after a rather good performance in Forever. His Robin degenerates from a unique, well thought out character, to a stereotypical angst teen. Alicia Silverstone is on/off as Batgirl, sometimes she’s good (like we know Silverstone can be), sometimes she’s bad (like that second rate wannabe, Witherspoon. That said, Freeway is very good.).

The Baddies:
Arnold plays a character that makes Conan look like an Oscar pick. He’s fucking horrible. Bane is treated with complete disregard for the dignity of a character. Uma Thurman, however, is great as the confident, seductive Ivy. She even improves the performances of those around her in her scenes,

The Girl:
I think Robin ends up with Batgirl. This is not a movie I’d see again to check.

The Rest:
There’s a doctor and a frozen chick.

Best Scene:
The end credits. Yeah, that WAS a burner. Other than that, I’ll say the Batgirl/Ivy fight.

Individual Score:
D+. Thurman, and to a much lesser extent, O’Donnell and Silverstone save Schumacher’s shit pile from absolute crap. But the movie is really bad.

The Series:

Alfred:
Played by Michael Gough in all of them, he’s great in the first three, before turning into a crappy drama angle in the final flick.

The Bats:
Keaton and Kilmer are both very good in their own ways. Clooney sucks. O'Donnell starts strong, but fades. Silverstone is muy unreliable.

The Villains:
Joker is the best villain in the series. Two-Face and Shrek split a close second. Ivy, Riddler, and Penguin tie in a not very distant third. Bane and Freeze are not only not in the race and going backwards, they suck.

The Girls:
Pfeifer is the only great love interest. Kidman and Basinger are both Oscar winners, they know what they’re doing, but their parts are really just the obligatory sex appeal bits.

The Rest:
Only the first one had a "rest".

Pretentious, overdone series grading:
Acting: 1:10 (Nicholson is great), 2:10 (Pfeifer and Walken are great), 3:8 (Jones is great, Carrey is near-great), 4:4 (I hate Mr. Schwarzenegger) Direction: 1&2:10 (Kudos Mr. Burton), 3:5 (Treading thin ice, Schumacher), 4:-2 (I’m going to beat the director to death with the severed leg of his firstborn). Writing: 1,2&3:10 (The villains especially), 4:4 (mediocre at best).

Final Thoughts:
The trilogy gets an A+. The series get dragged down to a C+ by the final, god awful movie. Just buy the firs three and pretend the last one doesn’t exist.