Not to be mistaken for (but certainly timed to cash in on the release of) the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" sequel is "Pirates." Originally released last year, "Pirates" was… are you ready for this… an X-rated movie. That's right… and X-rated movie. As in sexually explicit… as in porno. BUT… "Pirates" wasn't just a porn flick, oh no. It was one of the most expensive porn flicks ever made, boasting sea battles, Incan magic and CGI sword-wielding skeletons. What makes "Pirates" stand out even further is that it is one of the first to attempt to crossover into the mainstream by releasing a heavily edited 'R' rated version on DVD. The plot (yes, there is one…) follows two newlyweds, Manuel & Isabella, whose ship is captured and sunk by pirates. The pirates take Manuel, but leave Isabella afloat at sea. She is later rescued by some pirate hunters and tells them what happened.

So they set off in search of the pirates and Isabella's husband. As it turns out, Manuel is part of a bloodline that holds the key to an ancient (and powerful) Incan artifact.

So, being that as it may, I decided to take in this little experiment in non-porn porn, and came away from the experience with a very mixed feeling. I'll start with the bright side of the coin, a fair amount of the acting was better (though only slightly) than expected. Oddly enough this came from the guys in the cast, most notably Evan Stone as Captain Edward, the rather inept Pirate Hunter. Unarguably the best of the cast, his performance was genuinely funny. In essence, he has two roles to play… the tough and commanding Captain that his crew needs to see and the whiny incompetent that his character really is. While his acting teeters on the edge of B-movie, I honestly felt that he might be able to make it in mainstream films. (But since he gets to constantly 'make it' with hot chicks… why should he?)

Also surprisingly good was porn veteran Janine as a lusty pirate. She is a scene stealer extraordinaire and was also rather funny in her performance. I did feel a little bad for her though because, as I understood it, she left the 'business' to marry Jesse James (of "Monster Garage" fame) and have kids. Unfortunately the marriage fell apart, and while I don’t know this for a fact, have to believe was the reason she returned to her old job.

As to the matter of the effects and production value, admittedly it was fairly amazing in many respects. Most of the effects were more along the line of what you might see on a Sci-Fi Channel original film, but they were good considering the genre of this film. The sets and costumes were outstanding and never felt or looked cheap. The script, sex notwithstanding, also had the feel of a typical B-movie but was still rather entertaining and funny nonetheless.

Now… as to the darker side of the coin… The most distracting things about the film were the sex scenes. They were, of course, very heavily edited. They were rather titillating and would undoubtedly make porn aficionados wish for the original version, but the editing was very jarring. They seemed like some of the soft core porn you might find late at night on HBO and Cinemax, but much worse. Those are shot initially in ways to leave out anything explicit and so are smoother in their transition. The heavy editing in the scenes in "Pirates" is more off-putting and clunky. The music, admittedly also left much to be desired. I would have rather they edited out the sex scenes altogether, which I think would have made the film flow better. But I guess they could only edit out so much. The original running time of the movie was a little over two hours, this version comes in at 82 minutes.

The other thing that really didn’t work for me was the acting from most of the female cast. The worst of the lot was Jesse Jane, a relative newcomer to the business but one that has become quite famous nonetheless. In every moment of her screen time, her eyes looked glazed over as if she was on seven kinds of drugs. (I'm not making any kind of accusation here. I'm just saying the look was there. It may be just that she has no personality in real life). Her line delivery comes across as a combination of dull and wooden and high school play, which I think simply proves that perhaps when it comes to being onscreen she is better seen with things going into her mouth than coming out.

The DVD for "Pirates" also comes (no pun intended) with some extra features, including a visual F/X making of featurette, some bloopers and a trailer. The screener I received did not have any of these, so I cannot comment. Of them all, I would be a little curious to see the bloopers. Can’t say that I'd recommend this to most mainstream audiences, but I think some of you might be surprised and entertained by the film's better qualities.

Directed by: Joone
Starring: Jesse Jane, Carmen Luvana, Janine, Teagan Presley, Devon, Austyn Moore, Jenaveve Jolie, Tommy Gunn, Evan Stone, Steven St. Croix, Scott Nails and Kris Slater.
Extras: Visual F/X Making of, Bloopers, Trailer
Studio: MTI Home Video
Release Date: 7/11/2006
Region 1
MPAA Rating: R
Website

We'll give Pirates: R-Rated Version a C-.