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Oh, I got a freakin' hoot of a story for you.
Last night,Crimson and I are hanging out and
I go "Hey, man, how about a movie or
somethin'?" He says "Sure."
And we proceed to see what's playing at our
local Studio Movie Grill. We decided we'd
go and see "The Ring" It's the high
grosser this week. Why the hell not? We go
and see the movie and have a great time. And
if you can't tell, I'M BEING SARCASTIC!!!
Here's the bottom line, folks....we're gonna
die AND IT'S ALL CRIMSON'S FAULT!!!! |
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I resent that. I wanted to wait seven days
to see if the people on opening night dropped
de-- |
|
Excuse me, Crimson, but I believe I was telling
the story. So, we're watching this movie.
It's an edgy thriller starring Naomi Watts....God
DAMN is she HOT or what!? But I guess that
doesn't matter since I'm gonna DIE soon anyway!
|
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Tell them the story. Maybe they can figure
it out, and SAVE OUR MISERABLE LIVES! |
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I'm getting to that! The movie revolves around
a video tape. See, rumor has it that if you
watch this tape you only have seven days before
you die. Oh, it was real funny to me and Crimson
until this chick fucking died from watching
it. But what do we care? She's the one that
watched it. Not us. NOT FOR FUCKING LONG!!
Turns out that Naomi Watts wants to investigate
how this girl died and she comes across this
tape and puts it in the player. Do you see
where I'm going here? WE ENDED UP WATCHING
THE MOTHERFUCKING TAPE!!! |
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Hey, I TOLD you not to watch when the tape
came up. But you had to be different. You
had to be a REBEL. You had to be DIFFERENT
and DARING! Fucking showboat. |
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Oh, don't you even start that, Crimson. I
would have been perfectly happy seeing something
else. I wanted to see "Sweet Home Alabama"
but NOOOOO. "You can get out and watch
that and walk home yourself" he says.
"I'm not gonna watch that crap"
he says. "That movie's gonna suck."
Yeah? Well, "Sweet Home Alabama"
doesn't FUCKING KILL YOU IN SEVEN DAYS!!!
You signed our death warrants. Thank you very
much. |
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Look, it's not like there was much else out
there, okay? Couldn't see Red Dragon because
you'd already seen it, couldn't see The Tuxedo
because I have a shred of dignity, couldn't
see Sweet Home Alabama because I HAVE TASTE!
And oh yeah, wasn't this whole fiasco YOUR
idea!? |
|
Okay...yeah. So seeing a movie was my idea.
We play video games all the time. I thought
a movie would have been a nice change of pace. |
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Oh noooo, you had to go see a goddamn MOVIE.
"Let's stay and play X-Men, maybe I can
beat Bastion with Phoenix and get Dark Phoenix."
But no, again, you wanted to do something
DIFFERENT! You wanted VARIETY! Well LOOK WHAT
THE SPICE OF LIFE HAS REAPED FOR US, YOU FRIEND-KILLING
MOTHERFUCKER! |
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HOW THE FUCK DID I KNOW THAT THE MOVIE WOULD
FUCKING KILL US!!?? |
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Stop, stop. We only have seven days. We can't
go out angry. |
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You're right. We're getting nowhere bickering
like this. We gotta find out what we can and
maybe we can reverse this thing. |
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Reverse what? Reverse DEATH!? Do you know
the success percentage on reversing death?
I do. Guess what? IT'S FUCKING ZERO! |
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Don't get pissed at me!! I'm trying to come
up with some ideas here. What are your thoughts? |
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Maybe someone can help us. Maybe if we reach
out to the world, SOMEone can solve the problem
before we die horrible, brain-melting deaths. |
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Okay...cool. So, we'll document here, what
happens in the next seven days in order to
help any other people who may see the tape
after us. |
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Wait. We're movie critics, right? Shouldn't
we be like.. critiquing the movie? |
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Uhhhhhhh....sure...even though we're about
to DIE. I'm sure I got nothing better to do
than give my opinion about the movie. |
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Quiet, candy pants. GOD, you're always such
a drama queen. |
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I'M NOT BEING A DRAMA QUEEN!! |
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And now you're yelling! |
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I'M NOT YELLING!! YOU ARE!! |
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Get on with it. |
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Fine fine fine. The movie was kinda cool until
it became a Freddy movie with "Interactive
T.V." being taken to the next level.
I give the film a 3 out of 5. The wet blouse
scene gets a perfect 5 out of 5 though. Dying
or not....those are some beautiful cans on
Naomi Watts. |
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I felt the whole thing was a little bit sloppy.
There's a fine line between a slowly unraveling
mystery and merely a laborious one, and The
Ring definitely falls into the latter category.
And all of those scares? They're the cheapest
kind -- quick cuts with screeching soundtracks.
No intelligence to it whatsoever. The acting
is decent and the style is nice (though it
overdoes it a bit from time to time), but
overall.. I'd rather be killed by the Empire
Strikes Back. |
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Yeah and if anyone has any info that might
help you can e-mail us at......OH MY GOD!!
|
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But I rather did like Naomi Watts' pleasing
presence. She looks so damn like quintessential
american beauty. Too bad she's Australian. |
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Crimson.... |
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And boy, you could HEAR the audience detaching
from the film when it went from psychological
thriller to shoddy ghost story. |
|
Crimson.... |
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I give it 2 out of 5. |
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CRIMSON!! |
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Jesus, WHAT!? |
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Dude, why's my face all distorted in this
pic? |
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Aw, fuck. |
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FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.....I'm sooo
pissed. |
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Can we sue anyone? |
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I don't wanna die. Dreamworks sucks, man. |
