I'm not really sure what to say about this. Going into The Scorpion King, I wasn't really sure what I was expecting, but whatever it was, I didn't get it. What we have here is a movie that does not pretend to be anything more than what it is -- a glorified straight-to-video cheesefest -- and for that much, I suppose, I can be thankful. Unfortunately what it is is on pretty shaky ground, and thus the whole thing feels like an exercise in awkwardness. Awkwardness is not good if you're trying to be action-packed, kitsch, cheesy, and/or entertaining.

The story goes like this. The Rock (played by Dwayne Johnson) is this big bad Akkadian assassin guy, who's really big and bad. A tribe mostly composed of chainmail-clad amazon chicks (to make D&D players feel right at home) hires The Rock to assassinate the evil emperor Memnon's (Steven Brand) sorceror. The sorceror, see, predicts the outcomes of the evil emperor's battles. If the sorceror sees victory, the emperor marches. If not, the emperor stays locked up in his palace. The Rock, along with his brother, goes to assassinate the sorceror. He consequently fails and the brother dies (no shit). Now, with the sorceror (Kelly Hu, which would make her a sorceress, not a sorceror, but it's best not to question this script too much) held hostage, The Rock quests to kill Memnon.

And that's pretty much the story.

Here's the burning question: is The Rock a viable star?

The answer is yes, but with reservations. The Rock is viable as a star like Adam Sandler was back in his heyday -- cheap to hire, an icon to those who follow him, and can generally pull in high profits because he's got a built-in following and his movies cost about $5 to make. As for acting... well that's not what he's really here for, now is it?

What should be a straight-up comedic adventure is instead dragged down in uninspiring action sequences and a string of clichés that bog the whole thing down. I will grant this: The Scorpion King is ambitious in that it provides not one, not two, but five stereotypical sidekicks for The Rock's travels. We have the comedic and wimpy horsethief and Priest of Set (which puts him a thousand years and miles out of his home turf, and nevermind that a Priest of Set is basically the Hellenistic equivalent to a Satan worshipper), the hot sorceror(ess) love interest, the kooky mad scientist, the plucky kid, and the skeptical warrior (Michael Clarke Duncan) who eventually grows to be comrades with The Rock.

Also, I'd like to pose a short quiz for you, The Loyal Reader:

Say you are an evil conquering emperor who already practices some pretty shitty strategies in your thirst for world domination. A trusted lieutenant approaches you and asks about the whereabouts of the sorceror(ess), saying that the morale of the troops is steadily dropping due to her absence. Do you:

• A) Say the sorceress is ill in health and will be joining shortly?
• B) Remind the lieutenant that the strength of the men wins battles, not witchcraft?
• C) Stab the lieutenant in the fucking gut, thus destroying already destabilized morale?

If you answered C, you are named Memnon, and you are also an idiot.

Okay, I admit it's probably not very fair to question logic behind such an obviously screwball movie, but somewhere a line has to be drawn. If you're going to be an action comedy, take a cue from True Lies and balance the storyline a bit better. While action does not require a complex plot, a good comedy does, and The Scorpion King is a few fries short of that particular Happy Meal. The end result is unbalanced and unsatisfying. This last is the worst crime; a pure escapist piece like this one should be catharsis first, everything else second.

While I can't outright pan The Scorpion King, I can't really recommend it either. Some bits are amusing, some (very few) bits are funny, and absolutely nothing about it is special or exhilirating. Despite hype about The Rock's potential break into stardom (so adequately pandered to by Entertainment Weekly this time last year), what we have here is a seriously cheap ploy to rake in some cash before the real movies of the summer roll out.