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Star
Wars: Episode II - Attack of The Clones |
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Rating
- 5 & 4.5 of 5 |
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| A long time ago, in a galaxy far
far away…….
STAR WARS
Episode II
Attack of the Clones – The Review
It was a hot and cloudless day
on May 15th, 2002 when rebels, striking
from a secret base at LETHAL DEATH, ventured to
the UNITED ARTISTS GALAXY 9 off of LBJ and JUPITER
in the remote system of GARLAND. DARTH SHITHEAD,
The Dark Lord of 20th Century Fox had
just been alerted to a disturbance and chased
the rebels from the theater. It seemed that even
though the one named JOE was from the press, the
Dark Lord was going to be a Sith douche bag about
it.
In the truest of scoundrel-like
style, JOE devised a plan that would assure that
he and his rebel band would still assume their
rightful seats in the theater. According to JOE’S
plan, CRIMSON and DARKWOLF hid away in another
theater and waited for JOE to alert them from
outside as to when the line was moving.
Upon receiving the call, DARKWOLF
and CRIMSON infiltrated the theater yet again
and secured stations at the most optimum distance
from the screen. Braving bad DJ’s and many many
stairs, and a kick ass Matrix 2 preview, our heroes
were reunited. This is the story…..
Let me first start out by saying that I am a Star
Wars fan. I love Star Wars. I encourage anyone
and everyone to go and see this film. However,
if you’re NOT a Star Wars fan, chances are that
you’re not going to understand this film. I am
a dedicated follower of the original Holy Trilogy
and am pleased with Lucas’ efforts since then.
Well, besides the Star Wars Christmas Special.
That sucked!!! That’s beside the point though,
being a fan of Star Wars, I have an unbridled passion
for this story about power, intrigue, suffering
and love in that galaxy far far away. When I first
found out that George Lucas was going to go back
and tell the story about the rise of Darth Vader,
I was THRILLED! I was there for one of the first
showings of The Phantom Menace. Contrary to popular
opinion, I enjoyed The Phantom Menace. You get
these folks who say “I didn’t like it because of
Jar Jar’ or “I didn’t like it because of Jake Lloyd”
or “I didn’t like it because I’m a Star Wars purist”.
First of all, if you’re a purist, you should be
gushing about this film….it’s straight from Lucas.
You are a walking contradiction and must get out
of my face now!! The other two reasons…Jar Jar
and Jake Lloyd…are some tough things to rough it
through in the first film, I’ll admit that. But,
Jar Jar isn’t anymore or less cute than the Ewoks
from Return of the Jedi. And Jake Lloyd’s acting
may suck but his dialogue is that of a 9 year old
boy! Remember that. He may BECOME Darth Vader,
but at this point in time, he’s a kid who lives
with his mom and shits his pants. It became cool
along the way to pan The Phantom Menace. I like
it. It’s the perfect start to a saga that spans
over 2 generations. Then again, folks, I’m a Star
Wars fan and I enjoy letting the story carry me.
I refuse to try to dictate the story. It’s not
mine to tell. The Phantom Menace does a good job
starting the ride. Attack of the Clones takes you
further into the more dangerous side of Lucas’ vision.
I’m not gonna give you the whole story….I find that
Crimson is much better at that. I’m just gonna
give you my impressions in my own special, ignorant
movie goer kinda style. Star Wars “purists”, I
challenge you to hate this film.
Attack of the Clones takes place 10 years after
the events of The Phantom Menace. We find that
Queen Amidala has finished her term as Queen and
is now a Senator of Naboo. Even though she was
demoted, she still has folks making attempts at
her life. Natalie Portman returns as Padme Amidala
and, good God, this girl is blossoming into a total
hottie. Keep your eye out for her little black
corset outfit. Grrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooowwwwwwlll.
Okay…okay…let me get back to the task at hand.
We meet back up with old friends like Jar Jar, who
plays a much smaller role that keeps you wondering
if Lucas intended for him to play this part since
Episode I. Yoda, Mace Windu and Ki Adi Mundi of
the Jedi Council depart immediately to Supreme Chancellor
Palpatine’s chamber to meet with Padme, Jar Jar
and Bail Organa (played by Jimmy Smitts) to decide
a course of action to ensure Padme’s safety. They
figured it would be in Padme’s best interests to
get her off system and have the young Jedi, Anakin
Skywalker serve as her protection. But does getting
her off planet serve only her purpose…hmmmmmm.
Hehehehe
The headstrong and emotional, Anakin is played by
Hayden Christiansen (sp). This kid’s a really talented
young actor and he captured the spirit of the conflicted
Anakin perfectly. If this kid is the face of evil…I
like it. Ewan McGregor returns as Obi Wan Kenobi,
who’s sent to investigate the origins of Padme’s
attacker. In true Star Wars style….all paths that
separate eventually merge back together. Our lovebirds
(Anakin and Padme) find themselves stuck right next
to Obi Wan Kenobi on an alien world where they’re
about to be served up to some nasty creatures in
a Gladiator Arena of some sort. Forgive this half
handed summary. I dunno where to start.
Let’s start with the acting. Let’s face it, Star
Wars movies are never really a showcase for the
most impressive performances in cinema. Well, except
for Harrison Ford in The Empire Strikes Back. He
was awesome in that. Natalie Portman has come a
long way from the stiff and unsure performance she
handed out in The Phantom Menace. She was suffering
from the same situation Mark Hamill had to deal
with. She was acting against mostly blue screens
and puppets. In Attack of the Clones, she finally
gets to have some real raw and honest interaction
with another person…and it’s wonderful. Her reactions
to Anakin and his internal conflict is outstanding.
She knows when he’s not coming completely clean
with her and you see it. But you also see that
she loves him anyway because his feelings for her
are completely genuine. The way her eyes take him
in. Her sideways smiles. Her body language……that
cute little face she makes when she’s tonguing my
balls……(sigh). DOH!! Sorry about that. AHEM!!
Back to performances. Ewan McGregor turns in another
great performance as Obi Wan Kenobi. His perfect
imitation of Alec Guiness is great but damn if he
isn’t a Jedi bad ass when he fights. The scuffle
between him and Jango Fett is awesome. We don’t
get too much insight into the kind of character
Obi Wan is in this film and I truly hope we get
to see some more depth in Episode III. He’s a very
interesting character and I really want to know
more about him before he dies in A New Hope. Hayden
Christiansen….I said it before….but I think we can
expect good things from our Anakin in the next chapter.
Other than that….the rest of the performances were
pretty cut and dry and what one would expect from
a Star Wars flick. It’s unfortunate for Ewan, Hayden
and Natalie that, as great as they are in the film,
they’re gonna be nothing but background to you after
you get out of the movie. You’ll be thinking about
only one performance when you leave. Only one character.
Yoda. More on him in just a bit.
The story to this film is wonderful and the way
Lucas makes this prequel trilogy mirror his original
is mind blowing. Just like the second chapter of
the original, this film deals with a darker side
of some of our characters. We see more of the plot
unfold for our antagonists. And it seems that the
good guys didn’t sooo much as win but survive.
The difference between this story and almost all
of the others is the number of layers that are playing
against each other in this film. I’m not kidding.
Not only should you see this movie twice to catch
all the cool special effects and stuff…But just
to pay attention more to what’s really going on
in the film. Lucas is a brilliant man and he makes
his mark in the character of Palpatine. An opportunist.
A sly fox who excels in creating situation upon
situation to keep everyone busy with their own turmoil
and leaving him to take what he wants and making
it look like it was everyone else’s idea. It’s
insane. You’re mind would blow up if you tried
to reason it all at once. Big thumbs up to Lucas
for the depth to which this story can sometimes
delve. Never could I imagine that there’s a logical
reason and something to be gained for every action
that’s taken in this film. This story answers quite
a few questions for the Star Wars fan in us all.
Not only questions from the original trilogy but
from The Phantom Menace as well. We see the significance
of why Jar Jar is with us. We see the importance
of why systems went from droid armies to armies
of people. We are given a glimpse at the birth
of the Death Star and the blue print is laid out
for the Empire itself. We see exactly WHY Yoda
is the Master of the Jedi Council. YODA!! But
more on him later.
The special effects of the film are almost overwhelming.
Outstanding. Almost all the environments and locations
are computer generated. And only a couple times
is it really obvious. Example…Obi Wan, Mace and
Yoda are walking through the halls of the Jedi Temple
and you can almost totally tell it was shot with
them walking in place in front of a blue screen.
Other than that…It’s an almost flawless movie.
I was disappointed when I first found out that Yoda
would no longer be a puppet. He’s now completely
done by computers. I guess it’s my passion for
The Empire Strikes Back that makes me wish Yoda
was still a puppet. There was just that silly physicality
of Yoda and then I realize….THAT’S IT!!! That’s
why. Yoda isn’t the silly old hermit in this one.
He’s a bad ass Jedi warrior and now, my friends….we
shall discuss Yoda. Every Star Wars fan has always
wondered how Yoda would hold up in a fight. My
friends, Lucas delivers. It’s the conclusion of
the flick. Count Dooku has pretty much made Obi
Wan and Anakin his bitches. He’s about to finish
them off and then you hear the footsteps. You see
little Yoda come out from a hallway and the crowd
erupts into cheers. You know what’s coming. A
battle of force capabilities is followed up by one
of the fastest paced lightsaber battles ever witnessed.
I heard that some folks laughed. I heard that some
folks groaned. I was dumbfounded. NOTHING prepared
me for what I was about to see. It was like a childhood
dream coming to life in front of me. Yoda is a
bad ass, folks. See this movie and witness the
goodness of our favorite, little, green Jedi Master.
Unfortunately, the lightsaber fight that precedes
isn’t much to talk about. Hayden is impressive
with his two lightsabers against Dooku’s one…But
they do this odd close of of Dooku and Anakin spinning
their lightsabers over their heads that seemed to
be a little too stylish. But besides all this…The
special effects floored me. It was beautiful.
Kimona was awesome. The chase through Coruscant
at the beginning was like watching the Podrace again.
Dex’s 50’s style diner was a really cool touch.
George brought American Graffiti to Star Wars.
It was cool.
My overall impression of the film was a really good
one. I loved it. It was not only a really good
Star Wars film…but it was a smart film period.
An incredible bit of writing by George Lucas. It
leaves you thirsting…drooling for that final chapter
that’ll tie it all together.
There are a few things that I think about now differently
than I did before now that I’ve seen this film.
- I wanna bitch slap Luke in The Empire Strikes
Back when he gets all “You want the impossible”
with Yoda.
- I feel for Anakin. It’s hard for me to consider
Darth Vader an evil character. At the end of
Jedi when he finally turns on the Emperor…I
almost wanna cry. It’s touching.
- It’s funny to see the relationship between
R2D2 and C3PO evolve over these films. When
you think about C3PO whining about having a
hard life in A New Hope…you know what he means.
Star Wars fan or not, this movie should please.
But, you really should see the films to understand
the whole story. Go see it. Go see it now and
go see it often. The film gets a 5 out of 5 and
has totally fucked up my Star Wars movie hierarchy.
What used to be :
- The Empire Strikes Back
- Return of the Jedi
- A New Hope
- The Phantom Menace
Is now :
- The Empire Strikes Back
- Attack of the Clones
- Return of the Jedi
- A New Hope
- The Phantom Menace
To me, that’s huge that one of the new trilogy broke
my tope three. I’m such a geek.
Okay…go…go see the film and enjoy. I think I’m
about done. Take it away, Crimson. |
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What he said.
Also, something that's been bugging me since Episode
I came out: lay the hell off of Natalie Portman.
We know from previous experience that she is quite
a talented actress, and I believe her portrayal
of Padmé Amidala as a calm, calculated, pokerfaced
young woman is spot-on with how the character should
be. We're talking a person who was to be a queen
at the age of 14, for god's sake. That kind of person
is required by their planet to put their personal
lives on hold and act as the calm, collected statesman
(or stateswoman, I suppose). What Portman does is
absolutely what the role calls for, and basically
nitpicky critics (who have never liked Star
Wars, not even back in 1977) just totally miss
it.
I'd like to be known, also, that this movie should
be called Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the
Decapitations. You know it's a more adult Star
Wars when it starts with an explosion and the
death of one of Amidala's friends.
You see, this is the genius of George Lucas, and
frankly most people miss it. It did not occur to
me, upon my first viewing of The Phantom Menace,
to be annoyed by Jar-Jar Binks or the young Anakin
Skywalker. These characters were designed specifically
to draw in a young child audience, children too
young to have encountered Star Wars its first few times around are brought in all over again with a
character that amuses them (Binks) and a character
they can idolize and relate to (Anakin). Once this
very young audience is in, they age a few years,
and are more than ready to go see Episode II along with the older dork fans, who've been around all along.
Jar Jar and young Anakin brought in a whole new
generation of fans, then.
Lucas is a genius, most people just miss how.
Anyway. What he said. |
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| Where to see
it: ANYWHERE! But make sure you catch a DLP
screening at some point, because there's 8 more
minutes of footage that's not in the celluloid prints. |
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