Have you ever closed your eyes and felt a sharp pointy feeling at the back of your ears? Has there ever been a time where you have been alone at home and felt like there was someone there watching you? Do you ever wonder who programs VCR's to make them so hard to reprogram when you pull it out of the box for the first time? The answers for these problem are close at hand. In fact, the answers might come closer to your hands than you think. The answer, is midgets.

Midgets have been a long-standing problem in our country for decades now. From their humble carnie roots, to their militant militia upbringing, midgets pose a threat to the well being of our great American way of life. This threat is greater and than any threat, foreign or domestic, the United States have ever faced.

Under scrutiny from every major from of news media, the United States government has currently decided not to make public knowledge of this maniacal midget mutiny. They have, instead, chosen to bury this under several different conspiracy theories. Before we begin our foray into midget conspiracies, we should first get to the heart of the midget problem.

The problem stems from the intense hatred that comes from midgets. Midgets of course suffer from a lack of height. You can only imagine how this lack of height must make them feel. In a world of moderately tall people, midgets clearly do not make the cut.. 99.99921% of the worlds population range from 5ft to 6ft tall. Walk into a McDonalds. Do you have a problem getting a Big Mac with cheese? No. Because you can look your clerk in the eye when ordering. When you sit at your table, can you eat without a booster seat meant for small children? Yes. Can you get into the McDonalds playpen area and engage in harmless horseplay with people of height less then that of 42 inches? No. But this clearly works in the midgets behalf. Unfortunately, most small children smell like urine. So this stench is more than likely unbearable. As people of average height, we have no problem with a McDonalds. Midgets on the other hand, demand a restaurant built for their height complete with a midget wait staff. Recent chains of midget So how does this cause so much of a problem? Midgets are foul tempered and spiteful. They will kick you in the shin without a moments notice.

Midgets also demand more quality midget products from retail industries. Wal-Marts semi-successful Midgy-wearz brand clothing met with limited success last winter. DocMidgets and Polo-Midget clothing has also met with limited success. This has left both retail and food service industries with negative profit in these categories.

Where does this leave midget related products? In the crapper.

This angers the midget community. Where once a semi-booming midget industry was, there is now a Baby Gap. Midgets are scrambling to etch themselves in modern society. Current demand for a Midget Gap is loosing steam for the new Gap Senior, "clothes for the rest of your life. Literally."

You may be thinking to yourself at this point, "What the hell does this have to do about that itchy flaking sensation on this new hair I just grew on my back?" The answer lies in the mystic origin of the midget.

In the year 2, the great emperor Atilla the Hun was slaying the midget tribes in South Africa. Midgets were then considered stool of the devil. Later in the year 2, Atilla had destroyed most of the midget tribes. With the last few remaining tribes on the run, Atilla decided to head back to Spain the catch the last few remaining years of gladiator sports. Among the remaining midget clans, the Highlander clan decided to mount a last devastating blow to the army of Atilla. With each midget selling their soul to the Dark Wicca-Lord Jay, they gained the power of Silent Death. Unfortunately, to their disadvantage, the silent death worked against them when they began to one by one sprout large beanstalks in their lungs.

[ Ed: It's a work in progress... ]