I am rich with wisdom!

Welcome, my emotionally retarded friends! I am Dr. Goofypants, eminent counselor and seer of the mind! There is not one wrinkle in your lumpy gray brain that I am not intimately familiar with! All manner of tomfoolery and mental impotence withers under my keen gaze! Do you feel the astoundment of my very presence? I sure do!

So how did I get here? The lovely staff at this quaint little page came to me while I was meditating up high, on a mountain peak. They had a problem, friends, and for that I was willing to listen. A problem's boots are made for walking, buster, and that's just what they'll do! One of these days Dr. Goofypants is gonna psychoanalyze all over you!

I digress.

You see, the staff here at LethalDeath.com had plenty of the Funny in their veins. Why, they veritably leaked of Funny, right out from their ears and eyesockets! But what they did not have, and what I am rich with (for a hint, look above), was... that's right. Wisdom!

"Goofypants," they said to me, and I quickly corrected them as to my title.

"Dr. Goofypants," they said to me, "we are without Wisdom. We have Funny, see, and our former distributor of Wisdom, Whitecoat, is..."

"Riddled with syphilis?" I keenly deduced.

"No. She's missing in action."

Much was learned that day, my little buttercups, much indeed! It seems that the wildly successful LethalDeath.com was without an advice columnist, and as I am the greatest Devourer of Souls -- er, minds -- this world has ever seen, I leaped at the chance to become the NEW and IMPROVED advice columnist!

But you see, darling treasures, an advice columnist is nothing without advice to dispense. Why, it's right there in the name! "Advice" columnist! How suave is that? I'd say that this goes beyond mere coincidence. In fact, if one were of a mind to investigate these matters...

I digress again.

So here's what I need from you, the Readers at Home. I need you to dig down deep into your filthy little souls. Pry into the dirty corners with sticky fingers. Drudge up the wickedness and evil in your life! That'd be swell! Then, when some eternal, aching question comes boiling to the surface and drives you insane with its insistence, E-MAIL ME! I'll answer anything, honeypants, from your romance questions to simple house maintenance! From career advice to trivia questions! By gum, if it's worth finding out, then I'll find it for you. If I, for whatever reason, am not an expert in the Question of the Week (and goodness knows what kind of topic that would be!), then I will solicit one of the fine Funnymakers on the site to answer in my stead. Should be rare, as they are high on Funny, low on Wisdom. I may have pointed this out before.

Make it happen, people!

- Dr. Goofypants