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Greetings!
I'm back, and I know that excites you, my little
dumplings. It's only been a short little while
since we last talked, but I must confess I am
sorely disappointed in the lack of good questions
thrown my way! Come now, don't be shy! Write
me and ask me anything your little heart yearns
to know! Romantic advice, trivia questions, tips
for successfully conducting homicidal mania! You
name it!
A warning: Dr. Goofypants is feeling surly today,
children, so the answers might be a bit more snippish
than you're used to. Just send in some good questions,
and I'll cheer right up!
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hello goofypants.
1. my friends are starting a punk/rock/ska/random
crap
band. unfortunatly, we need a name. and
a good name.
not like Hootie and the blowfish. any suggestions?
2. random trivia. do you know the band
known as the
slackers? if you do, name their albums.
3. I have decided that the hokey pokey
really was what
it was all about, which has led me to create
my
religion, known as hokeyianism. now, this
has led the
government to become irate, and they have
been playing
Chers music at ungodly volumes around my
house. And
its her latest CD, you know the one where
her voice
sounds all digitized and it just cuts in
your skull
like a big sharp skull-cutty thing? my question
is,
how did they do that?
4. just you let you know, your website's
a redumdum
(spelling). I hope that it was an attempt
at humor.
cause ive been laughing. not really. im
sorry i lied
to you. STOP LOOKING AT ME WITH YOUR ACCUSING
EYES!
- Jimmy Di Wolf
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So, another sequence of questions designed to
test my intelligence and vast base of WISDOM?
So be it!
1) A punk/ska band? How original! There
aren't nearly enough of those kinds of bands around,
so it's good to know there'll be a new one forming!
My Sarcasmo-Meter just shattered into a thousand
pieces.
My suggestion would be to combine three words.
First word, pick an adverb or adjective. Second
word, adjective or verb. Third, noun. Mix, stir,
simmer to taste, and what do we have?
Raging Death Monkey! or,
Surreptitiously Dancing Crayons! or,
Flatulantly Copulating Shoes! or,
Unoriginal Obsolete Crap!
The possibilities are endless!
2) The Slackers, a seven-piece ska band
based out of Brooklyn, have been around since
1991. Quite predictably, their ska sound melds
in other pseudo-cool genres such as swing, 60's
garage rock, watered-down punk, and reggae. Basically
the same stuff you get from any local band in
any city in the United States of America.
For the record, American bands wouldn't know
genuine punk if it pissed on their mothers, and
their rendition of such is equally as uninformed.
Their debut album was titled Better Late Than
Never, released in 1996. Redlight in
1997 followed after they jumped over to Hellcat
Records. All subsequent albums have come from
Hellcat. The Question released in 1998
was their last studio album, and let's not forget
Live at Ernestos, released in 2000. Previous
to this The Slackers released a track on the compilation
disc Skarmageddon, way back in 1994, after
they made the leap from a quintet to the seven-piece.
We could exchange obscure band names all day,
but it doesn't prove much about anyone's knowledge.
So. Next?
3) The United States Government generally
doesn't have problems with new religions, my friendly
urchin, provided the new religion does not include
such dogmatic principles as the slaughter of the
innocent or mass suicide. As for Cher...
...how come you know so much about her new album?
4) The word you're looking for is "redundant,"
which is an adjective and not a noun, so your
usage is both a misspelling and grammatically
incorrect. And yes, the redundancy of the site
name is intentional. It's a joke. Earth humor.
AND I'LL STARE AT WHOEVER I DARN WELL PLEASE,
MISTER!
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What comes next in the following sequence?
2222222222222 - 33333333333 - 5555555
- 77777 - 11 11 11 ?
- BladedDevl
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Oh goody, I thought to myself. A math problem!
I adore math problems! Especially number sequence
problems, seeing as the most nefarious are the
hardest mind-benders known to man.
This one... disappointed me. It took about 30
seconds to figure it out, and most of that time
was spent counting the number of 2's and 3's listed.
We're working in the realm of prime numbers,
which are numbers that are only divisible by themselves
and 1. This is pretty basic math.
The numbers in the sequence are prime numbers
that go in ascending order -- 2, 3, 5, 7, 11,
and so on. The next prime number is 13. So the
last slot is the number 13.
Ah, but how many 13's?
Elementary. The number of numbers used
is also in prime, but descending instead of ascending.
Thus there are thirteen 2's, eleven 3's, seven
5's, five 7's, and three 11's. The next number
in the sequence is 2. So the next slot is "13
13."
Weak, my bladed, devilled friend. Next time,
challenge me!
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Dr. Goofypants,
I have a problem. You weren't able to help
me last time, but I just decided to up and
kill them all and I'm safe now... in Mexico,
drinking Mexican pissing water, commonly
known as tequila. For my breakfast, lunch,
and dinner. I once shit blood, but not the
regular shit, the runny shit... it pours
out like water. I thought God had cursed
me and made me a woman. Only women bleed
from their privates. So I opened the door
and yelled "Lunch is served, come and
get it!" Then four little Mexican midget
kids came in and started drinking out of
my ass. Also, my little soldier grew back
somehow. But, hold on, that's not my problem...
just giving you some insight into my exciting
morning.
It all started 3 days ago. I decided to
join a school, however seen in America as
a "cult". The place is named "Escuela
de la Cerveza para los Niños"
(Schoolhouse of Beer for Children). Well,
since this is a cerveza school, I was so
addicted to the Mexican piss water that
I got detention for two weeks straight.
Well, one day the Principal of the school,
Ms. Carmen Tamale-Dinero-Rodriguez-Esteves-Smith
(Don't know where the Smith came from),
told me I had rich piss water because of
what Americans commonly know as tequila
and started sucking my dick. It was so enjoyable
I didn't tell her to stop, even though I
needed to use the restroom. So I just let
it rip into her mouth while she was circling
the whale with her tongue. I blew her against
the wall, and she had bloody piss fire coming
out of her mouth. So I pulled out my machete
and shanked her. It was even better because
she was 8 months pregnant. So I decided
to give her a c-section and chopped the
bitch apart. Right when the fetus popped
out, it was like a damned chicken, thinking
I was it's Momma. But the scary thing is
that it looked like cousin It (Well, I guess
all Mexicans are hairy). Then I grabbed
it and it's hair fell off... it was part
of her poon. It was just stuck on the baby.
The weird thing about this baby, it walked,
had a cigarette in one hand, and a bottle
of cerveza in the other. So I chopped it
in half and ate it. But I did leave it's
balls for later. Baby testicles are a good
luck charm in Mexico. Then I came to realize
that I was still in the classroom. Thinking
it was funny, I proceeded to write "Red
Rum" in blood on the chalkboard with
the Principal's blood. Hold on, this is
not my problem.
Here's my question : Can you convert pesos
to dollars for me? I'm running low on tequila.
Thanks,
Big Mac
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Your questions. Are hurting. My
brain.
That's it for today, friends and neighbors. Tune
in next friday for yet another barrel of wisdom
right here on LethalDeath.com!
Please, write
in any questions you may have regarding trivia,
love, murder, or hamsters! I'll be glad to answer.
- Dr.
Goofypants
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