They Work Hard For the Money (So Hard For it Honey)

Once again, the baseball season is being threatened by a work stoppage. In 1994, a strike and lockout ended the season in August and got the World Series canned for the first time in nearly 100 years. If that doesn’t inspire complete embarrassment and shame in everyone involved, they might want to try taking up kicking puppies as a hobby for the off-season. What kind of greedy asshole do you have to be to go on strike from major league baseball?

The minimum salary for every player is $200,000. If you make the minimum, chances are you’re a rookie or you suck. So let’s see how being a suck-ass baseball player ranks you in our economy. Suck-ass baseball players make more money than: teachers, lawyers, most physicians, social workers, laborers, the president, getting the drift yet? We all know how difficult it is to stay in shape, play baseball every day, have sex with beautiful sports whores, do television interviews and get free perks everywhere you go.

The owners are, of course, greedy bastards who should be slapped for driving up salaries to the tune of $25 million per season. If this season is strike-shortened, it’s up to the fans to stop paying $50 bucks for nosebleed seats and $10 for watered down ballpark beer. There are other things we could do instead of watching baseball. NASCAR for instance is…uhm. Well, there’s always guh..ahh..guh..gol..golf. Or soccer, maybe? I mean, they are great athletes and – alright, fuck it. We’re going to keep watching and paying for baseball because other sports suck ass. The least the MLB could do is figure out how to financially rape us behind closed doors without interrupting the goddamn season.

Jose Canseco, Hall of Famer?

So Jose has finally thrown in the towel. After 17 major league seasons, one of the original Bash Brothers is hanging up the cleats. Let me be the first to say…it’s about fucking time! You’d think that after wallowing in the minor leagues for oh, the last five years, he’d have had the self-respect to call it quits. He sure was a promising candidate for Montreal this season. I mean, if you get cut by any Canadian team, it’s time to shoot yourself in the face several times at point blank range.

So now the big question is, will Jose go into Cooperstown? Even though he dragged his career average down to a mediocre .266 after several failed attempts at a comeback, he still has 1,407 RBI, 462 homeruns and 200 stolen bases lifetime. Great numbers, but here’s why I think Jose deserves a steel-toed kick in the ass rather than a plaque at Cooperstown - he never achieved his full potential. As good as he was, he was a lazy bitch who tried to be a rock star in a baseball player’s body.

Give the man credit for fucking Madonna, sure, but being cut by more than 3 major league teams almost negates the coolness of humping the Material Girl. Not to mention the fact that when his entry to the hall comes up for vote, he’ll be going against some of the game’s most beloved figures in Tony Gywnn, Cal Ripken Jr, and Mark McGwire. All three of these guys beat Jose Canseco’s sorry ass. If he goes in at all, it won’t be on the first try. If he keeps his ass out of infomercials, my prediction for him getting in is third time’s the charm.

Teams to Watch:
	Anaheim Angels – The bats have finally woken up from their slumber, and the Angels are getting some solid pitching behind them. They’ve surged past the Athletics for 2nd in the AL West division. Not bad for Disney bitches.

Chicago Cubs – The Cubs really, really, really suck right now. As in Hoovering it up. There’s no reason they should be near last in batting avg. in the NL with Sammy Sosa and Moises Alou in the lineup. They’re bringing up rookie pitcher Mark Prior from AAA to save the day, but I think Chi-town is pulling its annual choke a little early this year. The next week or two will show whether the Cubbies sink or swim for the rest of the season.

Chopping Block: Don Baylor.
	He seems to have relative job security in Chicago, but the Cubs’ underachieving is starting to draw stares. They seriously suck ass. Something has to change to pull the plane out of its nosedive; Baylor might become the sacrificial lamb.

Stud of the Week: Kazuhisa Ishii.
	The Dodgers’ rookie has been a perfect 6-0 in his last starts, going for win number 7 in as many tries. Goddamn, that ball must look like a pea heading toward the plate. Hit it if you can, chumps.

Dud of the Week: St. Louis Cardinals.
	Constant whining about the possibility of teams stealing pitching signs makes you look like a complete bitch. You serve up a fat fastball on the inside of the plate to Sammy Sosa, chances are its going to get hit out of the park, dumbass.

That’s it for this week, kids.
- batgirl