“I’m not gay. No, seriously. I don’t swing that way.”

Mike Piazza, the New York Mets’ All-Star catcher, held a press conference in Philadelphia on Tuesday night to declare that he was heterosexual after rumors about his sexuality swirled through baseball faster than jock itch. Piazza stated, “I’m not gay…I’m heterosexual. I can’t control what people think. I date women.” I wonder why people might think Piazza is gay? Could it be his boyish good looks, yummy chiseled body and uncanny ability to match his slacks?

Perhaps. More importantly, why the fuck do we care? Doesn’t baseball have enough retardation internally without starting a witch-hunt for that elusive gay player everyone is slathering over? Let me end the debate right here. It’s Lady Brady Anderson. And while we’re talking about the recently released Indians’ outfielder, I propose that sucking be the new scarlet letter in baseball, rather than how you choose to milk your monkey. Dropping fly balls, striking out and hitting below the Mendoza line should be the things that get you punched in the clubhouse and ripped in the media. The only person that should be paid a million dollars to suck is Jenna Jameson, period.

Oakland Under Fire

After blazing to 102 wins and a wild card playoff berth last year, the Oakland Athletics have sputtered out to an underachieving 20-26 record, despite sporting one of the studliest young pitching rotations in the league. As of yesterday, the shit in Oaktown finally hit the fan. Rookie first baseman Carlos Pena was demoted to AAA Sacramento along with infielder Frank Menechino and pitcher Jeff Tam. A’s outfielder Jeremy Giambi, younger brother of Yankees’ slugger Jason Giambi, was traded to the Philadelphia Phillies for John Mabry.

I know what you’re thinking, “Who the fuck is John Mabry?” I asked myself the same thing, so I looked up his career stats. As a pitcher, his career earned run average is a vomit-inducing 63. As in he bends over 63 times per game to take it up the tailpipe. As a utility man, his stats are less nauseating. In 8 seasons, John Mabry’s career batting average is .271. Certainly not as bad, but this guy’s played for 8 teams in 8 years. What does that tell us boys and girls? Nobody fucking wants him! He’s like that kid no one saves a seat for at lunch. Why you would trade away a potential 40-homerun guy who batted .283 last year and was an effective lead-off man this year for a guy who spends his days scratching his ass and drinking Gatorade on the bench? You’re smoking crack, that’s why. And it must be the good shit. This trade is akin to giving away your last can of Pepsi in exchange for a can of caffeine-free diet Dr. Pepper. You’ll drink it if you have to, but why in god’s name would you choose to?

Teams to Watch:
	Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees – the best rivalry in baseball and arguably in all of professional sports heats up this weekend as the Yanks head to Fenway Park for a 4-game match up. These two teams are the only contenders for the AL East crown, and nothing matches the heated rivalry between these two. Should be good watchin’.

St. Louis Cardinals – Finally overcoming the injury hex and playing up to their potential. Tino Martinez has come out of his deep freeze and is starting to hit, so things can only get better for the Cards from here on out. Look for them to snatch first place from the Cincinatti Reds very soon.

Chopping Block: John Mabry.
	Oakland GM Billy Beane is too good a manager to take him straight up for Jeremy Giambi. A big trade is brewing, count on it.

Stud of the Week: The Dodgers’ Shawn Green.
	Went a stunning 6-for-6 with 4 fucking homeruns against the Brewers on Thursday, driving in 7 RBIs. This is the second time this season a player has hit 4 taters in a single game. Either the pitchers are getting dumber, or the steroids are getting stronger. You make the call.

Dud of the Week: John Rocker.
	Need I say more? The pitcher more famous for being a racist, homophobic cocksmoker than an effective player was sent to the Texas Rangers’ minor league AAA club Wednesday to “work on his mechanics.” Translation, to work on not sucking. He won’t be missed.

Until next time.
- Batgirl