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MLB
:: The Diamond Report – Friday, September 6th, 2002 |
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MLB: Kiss My Ass
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| So there
was no strike. I have to admit, I was surprised,
but I shouldn't have been. Baseball owners and players
aren't stupid; they know that if they had pulled
that strike stunt, Joe Sucker wouldn't be paying
200 bucks for an Ichiro jersey anymore. So, in the
twelfth hour they decided to pull their heads out
of their asses and reach an agreement that would
keep baseball players making too much and owners
as rich as ever.
Am I supposed to be thankful for this shit?
Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that the season
will continue, but I don't consider what the Players'
Association and the owners accomplished as anything
remotely heroic. It's like having someone grab
you by the neck, ready to stab you in the ass
with a rusty blade. If suddenly, they decide it
isn't in their best interest to stab you, does
that mean you drop to your knees in worship? Hell
fuckin' no.
What needs to happen now is some outright, unashamed,
moist-lipped, ass kissing. Both players and owners
need to woo us fans after the storm. We need to
be coddled after dealing with the greed and retardation
that this year's almost-strike brought to the
surface. Fans of losing teams should get some
kind of "thank you for dealing with our shit"
rebate, like a couple of movie passes or a t-shirt.
Winning teams should give out free beer and hotdogs
during post-season games, and there should be
plenty of oral sex for all.
Only then will baseball fans be vindicated of
these shenanigans.
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A is for Annoying
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| Last night
the Oakland A's reached an AL-record 20 straight
wins. This streak was somewhat amusing when it was
in the 10-15 wins range. Now it's just outright
annoying as shit. Every single time you turn on
a sports radio or television show, you're forced
to lick Oakland's balls while they drone on about
how amazing their win streak is. If I have to watch
Miguel Tejada do his victory lap around the bases
one more time, I'm going to go find something to
choke on.
Has last year's Seattle team taught us anything
about regular-season victory records? In case
anyone's forgotten (how anyone possibly could
have what with Seattle's obnoxious dickhead fans
reminding us daily), last year the Seattle Mariners
tied the regular-season win record at 116. After
that, they won the World Series. Oh, wait. No
they didn't. Their asses got eliminated in the
second round, and then their regular season meant
jack shit, record and all. Oh, and Mark McLemore
sucks cock.
Oakland winning 20 straight games is great for their
fans, reminds us that this is a good, young team,
and gives them a boost into the playoffs, blah blah
blah. Do we need to hear about it every waking moment
of the fucking day?
I like Oakland, honestly. I think they have a
genius GM and an amazing young pitching staff.
I don't, however, want to hear how they've beaten
the Crap Ass City Royals or the Tampon Bay Devil
Rays every single time I flip on the TV. Once
the A's start playing Anaheim and Seattle again,
they'll lose games again and all this coverage
will have been retardedly pointless.
Find some other news, assholes.
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| Teams
to Watch : |
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 San
Francisco Giants - An upcoming series with the
D'Backs is crucial to their hopes of snatching the
Wild Card away from the Dodgers or even making some
noise in their division. The Giants are only 2 and
a half games out of the WC action, but seven and
a half out of first, so they need to skedaddle their
asses if they're sniffing at the postseason. |
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 Seattle
Mariners - Stuck in a prolonged offensive slump,
the Mariners need to get it together quickly if
they hope to be playing in October. The Angels are
in control of the Wild Card and the streaking Athletics
don't show any signs of slowing down. They need
to get back to playing small baseball, bunting and
moving runners over, and cut down on the pop-ups
on the infield. |
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| Stud
of the Week: Andy Pettitte |
 Besides
his butt-chin, he's been pitching very effectively
after finally emerging from the DL a month ago.
The Yankees' southpaw has quietly squashed speculation
that he has lingering arm problems. |
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| Dud of
the Week: ESPN |
Why does everyone suck ESPN's dick?! They need
some better competition on the TV market. Repetitive
bastards with no journalistic talent whatsoever.
Watching SportsCenter or Baseball Tonight is like
being tied to a chair and slapped around with
a wet fish. Karl Ravetch and Joe Morgan need to
contract West Nile disease now. |
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Until next
time.
- Batgirl |
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