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MLB
:: The Diamond Report – Thursday, October 3rd, 2002 |
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Playoffs 2002 –
First Round |
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Playoffs
have begun, bitches. I have no goddamn idea why
they decided to show them on ABC fucking Family,
which is not a channel I currently have. Why not
something, oh, I don’t know, more accessible
to the whole country, being that it is the playoffs
and all. Not to mention the fact that 4:00pm is
a really idiotic time to start a playoff game
(it’s called a job or class, dumbasses).
Either way, this postseason looks like it will
be quite a clash. So tune in, and here are my
picks for this round. Which will be right, naturally. |
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American League Division
Series: Oakland vs. Minnesota
 
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| I really wish the Twins
were going to win this series, because they’ve
dealt with more shit (playing in Minnesota, for
one) than any other AL team this season, and I happen
to love underdogs. But they’re not. The A’s
have too studly a pitching rotation to succumb to
the mighty Minnesotans. Cali is going to take it
to the house in this series. Oaktown lives again. |
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American League Division Series: New
York vs. Anaheim
 
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| This is tough. I’m
going to pick New York to outlast the bubbly Anaheim
based on experience and pitching. New York is definitely
vulnerable to Anaheim’s high-octane energetic
approach, but somehow the pinstriped bitches always
seem to pull it out of their asses. New York again. |
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National League Division Series: Arizona
vs. St. Louis
 
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| The D’Backs
are banged up to shit, but as long as Johnson and
Schilling are healthy, that’s all they need.
Both of Curt and Randy head into the postseason
in perfect physical health, and we all know Arizona
is not afraid to overuse their two workhorses. St.
Louis has heart and desire, but their pitching just
doesn’t compare. Let it be known that I really,
really hate the D’Backs uniforms. I mean honestly,
purple and gold? Why not throw on some Judy Garland
for pre-game warm-ups while you’re at it.
Arizona to advance. |
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National League Division Series: San
Francisco vs. Atlanta
 
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| There’s
no way in hell the Giants are going to win this
series. Atlanta’s pitching is deeper than
Jenna Jameson’s…well. I won’t
go there, but there’s no weakness in the Braves’
pitching. Once the starter leaves, in comes the
most dominant and successful bullpen in baseball.
Either way, you’re screwed. Barry Bonds can’t
do any damage if he’s walked every time. I
hate the Braves so much (except Tom Glavine), but
they’ve got this one locked. |
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Damned
if you Don’t: Let the Firings Begin! |
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| The end of the baseball
season brings us the playoffs, but it also brings
us the start of open-season on firing club managers
and personnel based on the performances of their
respective teams. This always boggles my fucking
mind. Joe Torre, manager of the Yankees, is considered
one of the best managers in baseball because his
team wins. Hmm. Could it be because he manages the
fucking Yankees, baseball’s gluttoned all-star
squad?! Of course they’re going to win, dipshits.
Everyone seems to conveniently forget that Torre
managed a shitty Mets squad to a shitty record before
his Yankees’ gig.
Now, I admit, watching all these managers get
the boot is entertaining. Fundamentally, it’s
absolutely retarded. It’s simply a PR move
that makes it seem like the organization is doing
something to remedy its shittiness without having
to open up the wallet. A manager doesn’t
play the games, and at best, a manager is directly
responsible for maybe 10 games a year (one-run
games, extra innings, etc.). If you hand a manager
a squad that resembles the Special Olympics softball
team, there’s not much he can do.
So this week, we pour a metaphorical sip on the
concrete for our newest dearly departed dicks.
Welcome to unemployment, boys, line forms on the
left.. |
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Until Round
Two.
- Batgirl |
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