Baseball Broadcasters: Shut the Fuck Up

It wouldn’t be time for baseball without annoying, talentless, ass-clown baseball broadcasters and commentators ruining games with their retarded commentaries. Whatever happened to just calling the balls and strikes? Or discussing the stats after the game? We don’t want to hear about your sons or daughters or how the guy selling hotdogs behind you looks like your cousin Lenny, just call the fucking game. Joe Morgan of ESPN gave us a personal update on his 12-year-old daughter, Ashley, during the last Sunday Night Baseball broadcast:

“I want to congratulate my 12-year-old daughter, Ashley Morgan, for winning a five-state regional vault championship in gymnastics. Her twin sister, Kelly, was on a state championship soccer team last year. Naturally, I'm proud of my daughters' achievements as scholars and athletes.”

Wait, can someone tell me why we should give a fuck about Joe Morgan’s daughter? I missed that somewhere between waiting for the next batter to come up and checking who was warming up in the bullpen. We don’t need baseball commentators to tell us things we can see and figure out for ourselves, either. “With four homeruns in 3 games, Barry Bonds is on a hot streak right now.” Ya think, dipshit? “The bases are loaded; he’s going to want to throw strikes now.” Fucking christ, someone hand the man the Nobel Prize for stating the painful obvious. Where’s my mute button?

And now on to the meat.

Teams to Watch:

Kansas City Royals – The Royals have unexpectedly vaulted out to a gaudy 11-3 record. Yes, that’s right, the Kansas Sucky Royals. They have some great young talent, but you’d have to be a complete retard to expect this to continue. They may be knocking at a .500 season, though, and that’s a huge improvement over last year’s assfest (100 losses).

San Francisco Giants – Unlike the Royals, the Giants can expect to continue the brilliance showcased by their 13-2 record. This is just a flat-out good team, with power, pitching and speed. They’re going to be a real pain in the ass to any team that has to play them more than a few games this season – namely, all of the NL West.

Chopping Block: Everyone gets at least a month.

Stud of the Week: Rocco Baldelli, Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Besides having a cool ass name, this kid is an absolute gamer playing on a team that has more fight in it than people will expect. They still suck, don’t get me wrong, but they won’t bend over and grease themselves for you like they did last year. Rocco from Rhode Island started his major league career off with an 11-game hit streak, and runs down the first base line faster than anyone I’ve seen this season. If you need any reason not to change the channel when the Rays are on (and you do), Rocco Baldelli is it.

Dud of the Week: Ken Griffey, Jr., Cincinnati Reds. Injury-prone just doesn’t describe it adequately enough. This guy gets hurt going to sleep. Once again, Griffey goes down in the first leg of the season with a serious injury, though at least he’s trying to keep things different - it’s not his hamstring this time, it’s a dislocated shoulder that will keep him sidelined for at least 2 months. If I were a Reds fan, I’d demand some kind of Griffey discount on my tickets.

Here we go again! Stick around for the ride.

-Batgirl