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Chapter
1 :: Little Red Riding Hood |
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Okay, so like ya
know....dis is one of my favoritest stories
in the whole world. My fadder told it to me
and his fadder told it to him. And now, my
friend, Luis Ortiz will tell it to chu.
It was a long time ago. Like back in 1986,
when dudes could still chow off their chest
hair and it'd be cool, ya know. They wouldn't
be mistooken for pole munchers or anything
like that. Hell, I still be chowin' off my
patch.....but I ain't munchin' no pole, man......................well,
you can't be countin' the time in the laundry
room......oh yeah, and the time in the chower
don't count either because I got cigarette's
for that. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!! You
don't know what it's like in here. You gotta
do chit to survive. Put yo'self in my choes,
man. I bet you'd be goin' down on a brudda
faster than you can say Chalupa!! |
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Ortiz!! |
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Okay....okay Chon
Walsh. I got sidetrackeded but I'm resumin'
now. Man, that Chon Walsh thinks he's a big
chit. You wait till I get time alone with
him. |
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AHEM!! |
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Hahahaha, just
kidding, Chon Walsh. Now...where was I? Oh
yeah. So, it was back in 1986 and like all
the homies were just kickin' back at this
hot disco down off of Sanderson. You know,
across the street from Gonzo's Chitlin's and
Gravy? Oh, for real, man. That place makes
like the sweetest fucking pancakes. I remember
when I used to hit Gonzo's wit' my vatos and
we would just order those fucking pancakes
till the fucking table tipped. DIOS MIO!!
THAT'S SOME GOOD CHIT, MAN!!!
Anyways, so one night this fine mamacita gets
a page from her grandmother at the disco and
had to split quick to see what was the deal.
And she was lookin' TIGHT, boys. I'm tellin'
you. She was wearin' this hot red dress that
was cut all low and you could almost see the
tips of her ta tas. And the bottom was sooo
high, all the boys mouths be waterin'. She's
like waitin' outside for a taxi and just then,
my boy Jose Villa Lobo, my cousin on my mother's
side. Jose was sooo bad, brudda. Motherfucker
used to eat glass and chit windows, you know
what I'm sayin'? So, Jose goes up to this
fine mommy and says "Yo, Red Riding Hood,
you can stop waitin', Jose's here!" And
he smacks her fine, round ass and starts struttin'
in front of the place. I mean, he was the
coolest cucumber around. So, check out what
this bitch does. She walks up to him, slaps
him in the face and spits in his fuckin' eye.
Now if you know Jose at all, you know not
to fuck with his chit like dat. So, before
Jose can even react, the bitch gets into the
cab and takes off.
Luckily, Shorty Rodriguez was walking up and
saw the whole thing. Shorty went over to Jose
and asked what he did to piss of Maria Conchita
Louisa Sanchez Dominguez. Jose looked at Shorty
real quick like and pulled out his blade and
sliced Shorty from neck to nuts, ya know what
I'm sayin'? You don't embarass Jose like that.
So, like Jose now had Little Red's real name.
He went to the nearest phone bootch and found
the phone book. He looked up Maria's name
and found her address. He ripped the page
out and bolted for his slick, suped up Chevy
Cavalier. When that thing started, man, it
purred like the sweetest little pussy. Speaking
of pussy....so, Maria is in this cab, right?
Well, she was struck wi' chitty luck because
this cab driver was like Hindu or some chit
so he was driving all slow and chit. Unbeknownest
to Maria, Jose had just flown past them and
was on his way to her house to take care of
her ass.
So, Jose like gets to her house. She lived
in a little old place right off of Spring
Meadow. She lived with her grandmother and
her twelve kids. Her kids were all over a
friend's house for the night so that left
grandma. Jose went up to the door and knocked
on it. As soon as the door started to open,
he bashed it in. Well, he thought it was Maria,
so you can imagine how surprised his ass is
when he looks down and sees this old bitch
layin' on the floor. Now Jose has to hide
this bitch, but he gets an idea. He strips
grandma down and stuffs her in the attic and
puts on her clothes. He climbs into her bed
and waits all patient and chit for Maria to
come home.
Now, while this is going on, Maria is still
in the taxi trying to talk to the driver and
tell her where he needs to go. But his name
is like Ahmed Alguooohnilding and he isn't
understanding a damn word so he passes the
house like three times. Inside, Jose was starting
to get all hot and chit while thinking about
that fine mommy's hot ass. He started to stroke
his la bamba while he waited for her. He couldn't
wait to give it to her just the way she deserves.
I know what that's like, brudda. Oh yeah....I
once wanted this baby sooo badly that I chased
after her with my chi chi hanging out of my
pants. and she was running away and she ran
into this tree and passed out and I was able
to just help myself to.... |
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I'm warning you,
Ortiz! |
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I know. I'm sorry,
Chon Walsh. I get carried away and chit. My
bad. |
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Just watch it. |
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I know. I know.
I'm back on track, homie.
So, Maria finally gets home and gets out of
the cab and goes into her house. She calls
out to her grandma. "Grandma, I'm home.
What's wrong?" Jose hears her coming
up the stairs and curls up under the blankets
and starts talking lik Maria's grandma. "Oh,
Maria....I'm okay. I just missed you, honey."
Maria came into the room and sat down on the
bed and started rubbing up and down on Jose's
leg thinking that it was grandma. I'm not
lying, man. You can't make this chit up! So,
Jose takes it a bit further. He gets his grandma
voice on and goes "Maria, why don't you
lay down with me a bit." Without arguement,
Maria just lays back next to Jose and cuddles
up. I mean, this stupid bitch really thinks
it's her grandma! So, Jose puts his arms on
Maria a bit, stroking her back at first. He
could hear Maria almost purr. He knew that
his rubbing her back felt good to her. Isn't
that wild? So he goes a little further....he
starts rubbing her ass a bit. Lifting her
skirt so he can take those two cheeks in his
hands. "GRANDMA!!" Maria screams.
And Jose covers it like a fuckin' pro, dude.
He goes "Calm down, Maria. I'm just admiring
you. You grown into a beautiful woman."
And that dumb bitch belives this. She goes
"Oh, okay, grandma" and lays back
down lettin' my boy fondle that ass. So, Jose
moves his hands up and around her to grab
one of those ta tas. Maria shoots up again
and goes "Grandma, what are you doing?
Those are my ta tas" And my boy goes,
"I was just makin sure you were healthy,
baby." And she believes him again. So
she lays there and Jose is rubbing on her
ass and her tits and he's starting to sport
some major wood, you know? So he starts to
rub himself up against her from behind. And
he's gettin' all workd up and stuff and just
when he's about to dive in she goes "Why,
grandma, what is that poking me from behind?"
And Jose, fucking stupid head, talks in his
regular voice. "Momma, it's all good.
Just go with it." So, Maria like shoots
up, grabs a bat from next to the bed and whacks
the holy fucking chit out of Jose. I mean,
she cracks four of his ribs and dents in his
head in the back. I mean, he's all kinds of
fucked up. And then, what's she do. The bitch
calls the fucking cops. I mean, why!? She
beat him, that should be it. But she has to
go call the pigs. I mean, fuck that noise,
man. |
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Easy, Ortiz. |
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No! Fuck you, Chon
Walsh! |
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I mean....I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.... |
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That's it, Ortiz.
Now you gotta make me get nasty. |
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No, Chon Walsh.
Don't get nasty. |
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Take him away,
guys. You know what to do. |
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Hey, leggo of me.
What are you doing, Chon Walsh!? What the
fuck is going on here? Don't cuff me. Where
are you taking me? |
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That's right, boys.
I want him ready by the time I get there. |
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Heyyy.....wait....I'm
sorry, Chon Walsh. I'm sooorrrreeeeeee!!! |
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Sorry folks, but
sometimes these guys get outta hand. But you
can trust me when I tell ya that he'll be
better behaved when I get through with him.
Thanks for joining us for this Fairy Tale
From Cell Block C. Now, if you'll excuse me....I
got a convict to cornhole. |
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