|
|
Greetings, and
welcome back to another edition of Fairy Tales
From Cell Block C. I’m John Walsh and
this week, with the co-operation of the Federal
Correctional Institution..an all women’s
prison in Lexington, Kentucky, we are able
to reunite a husband and his wife to give
us their version of Goldilocks and the Three
Bears. |
|
|
Hi there, I’m
David Crowe and with me is my lovely…..where
the? NOW WHERE THE HELL IS SHE!? |
 |
I’m on my
way, Davey! I’m sorry….I was just… |
|
|
DAMMIT, MARTHA!!
It’s always "I’m on my way!"
Howsabout tryin’ to be on time for once? |
|
Well….it’s
nice to see you too, you ungrateful shit! |
|
|
Ohhhh, don’t
hand me that… |
|
I take a little
extra time to put my face on for you just
to make myself look nice! To do something
special for you since I haven’t seen
you in sooo long!! This is the thanks I get!!! |
|
|
|
|
(sniff) |
|
|
I’m sorry,
Martha. |
|
(sniffle) You are? |
|
|
Yeah. |
|
Yeah? |
|
|
Of course. Look
at you. You made yourself up and look beautiful
just for me. How can I do anything but cherish
you? I’m sorry, peanut. |
|
OHHHH, DAVEY!!
MWAH! MWAH! MWAH! I love you, David Crowe. |
|
|
And I love you,
Martha Crowe. |
 |
Ahem!! |
|
|
I love you too,
John Walsh. |
|
No no no |
|
|
Oh….David,
I think John "hits for the other team"….ya
know what I mean? |
|
WHAT!? |
 |
Oh….well I
love you too, Johnny….if that gets your
rocks off. |
|
That’s not… |
|
I mean, there’s
nothing wrong with that. |
|
No… |
|
We won’t pass
judgment on you. |
|
But… |
|
Even though he
passed judgment on us. |
|
Hold on just for
a… |
|
We live in a very
tolerant age now, John. You should be proud
of what you are. |
|
TIME OUT!!! |
|
Wow…he’s
moody. |
|
I want you to tell
your story. We don’t have all day and
you’re wasting time. I don’t love
you…..either of you….I just want
this over with. Now please…begin. |
|
Okay, John. Calm
down….no need to get cranky. |
|
I think someone
might need a little nap. |
|
(Sigh) |
|
Alright, kiddies,
here we go. Our story today is Goldilocks
and the Three Bears… |
|
GOLDILOCKS AND
THE THREE BEARS!!! I love that story!!! |
|
Of course you do,
dear. So, this story takes place a long time
ago…in a forest very far away. |
|
Like out past the
ocean? |
|
Huh? Sure..sure,
baby. Whatever you want. So, in this forest
there lived three Bears in a little house.
They shared the forest with a family who had
a little girl. What was her name, dear? |
|
GOLDILOCKS!! |
|
Yup. She had long
golden blonde hair and that’s why she
was called… |
|
GOLDILOCKS!! |
|
That’s right.
So, one day, the three bears were sitting
down to eat some porridge. There was a Momma
Bear, a Papa Bear and a… |
|
GOLDILOCKS!!! HAHAHAHA |
|
????? |
|
HAHAHAHAHAHA |
|
No………a
Baby Bear. The Momma Bear had just finished
making their dinner and asked the other two
bears if they’d like to go for a walk
in the woods while it cooled off. Papa Bear
agreed and got Baby Bear and together they
left the house and went for a stroll. Not
too long after, little Goldilocks came upon… |
|
GOLDEEEEEEELOCKS!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA |
|
ALRIGHT ALREADY,
DAMMIT!!! WE KNOW HER FRICKIN’ NAME!! |
|
|
|
Quit being a retard!! |
|
|
|
Okay then…..so,
Goldilocks found the bear’s house and
she was feeling tired and whatnot, so she
let herself inside so she could take a little
rest. |
|
|
|
She saw three chairs
sitting together around a table in a room
and thought to herself, "Goldilocks……. |
|
|
|
uhh…Goldilocks,
you really are exhausted. Wouldn't it be nice
to sit down and relax?" So, Goldilocks
walked over the biggest chair and sat down
in it. "This one is too tall." So,
she walked over to the next chair and sat
herself down. "This one is too short."
So she got up again and settled into the last
chair and it was perfect. "This one is
just right." She thought to herself. |
|
|
|
So, then Goldilocks
started to feel hungry. Well, there were three
bowls of porridge right there in front of
her and she decided to try it out. First she
tried from the biggest bowl. What did she
say when she tried that Martha? |
|
|
|
………Martha?
What did she say? |
|
You motherfucker.
You dip shitting, crack smoking, cock sucking,
half cocked, limp dicked, dim witted, pea
brained, donkey horkin', log jammin', rim
jobbin', low down, no good, sorry excuse of
a husband, scum sucking motherfucker!!! |
 |
Did Goldilocks
really say all that, Chon Walsh? |
|
Ortiz, aren't you
supposed to be somewhere? |
|
Well, actually.... |
|
Don't you ever
speak to me again you cock sucker!! |
|
Ohhh that's really
classy, Martha. Really fuckin' nice. I'm tellin'
a story and here you start in with the mouth.
I'm talkin' about the three fuckin' bears
here and you're screamin' "cock this"
and "shit that". Really nice, Martha.
Nice way to be around the kids. |
|
I wouldn't be screaming
it if you hadn't yelled at me first!! |
|
I wouldn't have
yelled if you weren't being such a nimrod
about saying Goldilock's name like eight million
times. I mean, they know who the bitch is...enough
already!! |
|
I was just trying
to make the story more fun! |
|
More fun...Jesus,
you're giving me a fuckin' headache! |
|
Well, maybe I'll
just keep my mouth shut!! |
|
Maybe you should!! |
|
Fine. I will! |
|
Fine! |
|
FINE!!! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
So....uhhh....Chon,
have you....uhhh...have you seen that Tomb
Raider movie? |
|
Martha, I.... |
|
Shhhhhhhhhhh I'm
sorry, Davey. |
|
No, honey. I'm
sorry. You were just trying to help me tell
the story and I blew up at you and I had no
right to do that. I'm sorry, peanut. |
|
Yeah? |
|
Yeah. I'm sorry. |
|
OHHHH, DAVEY!!
MWAH! MWAH! MWAH! I love you, David Crowe. |
|
And I love you,
Martha Crowe. What do you say we tell this
story, huh? |
|
THIS ONE'S TOO
HOT!! |
|
Huh? |
|
That's what Goldilocks
says next. "This one's too hot". |
|
You mean to tell
me that throughout that whole arguement, you
remembered our place in the story? |
|
Uh huh. |
|
Martha....you are
a princess. |
|
Ohhh, Davey...and
you're my prince. |
|
Hell yeah, dude.
Prince rocked. He used to sing about his little
red corvette and his crying birds. Did you
like his songs, Chon Walsh? |
|
ENOUGH!!! David....Martha....please
finish the story. |
|
You weren't kidding,
Martha. He's a surly cuss. You better take
the story from there. |
|
Okay, Davey....where
were we? |
|
"scum sucking
motherfucker!!!" |
|
That's strike one!! |
|
She just had a
bit of Papa Bear's porridge and.... |
|
This one is too
hot!! |
|
That's right. Go
on. |
|
Okay. So, Goldilocks
tried the next bowl of porridge and quickly
spit it out and said "This one is too
cold" |
|
Ya don't say? Then
what did she do? |
|
Well, then she
tried the last bowl of porridge and swallowed
it down and said "This one is just right
and she gobbled up the rest of the bowl. GOBBLE
GOBBLE GOBBLE!!! |
|
Isn't that adorable? |
|
GOBBLE GOBBLE!!!! |
|
And then what did
she do? |
|
GOBBLE!!! |
|
Come on now, Martha. |
|
Oh fine, you Grinch.
So from there Goldilocks started to feel a
little tired so she went upstairs to find
a place to take a nap. She crept into the
bedroom of the three bears and saw three beds
all lined up next to each other. First she
went up to the biggest bed...she lay herself
down and closed her eyes and tried to fall
asleep..but the little angel just couldn't.
She sat up and said "This bed is too
hard." Which is totally beyond me. I
mean, why do bears sleep in beds? Wouldn't
their claws like completely tear apart the
comforters? And while we're at it....why would
they even live in a house? They're bears!
They wouldn't know the first thing about equity
or home owner's insurance. |
|
Martha? |
|
And did the bears
have the house built or was it a pre-existing
home? In either case, who would build a house
or sell a house to a family of bears? I wouldn't.
I'd be afraid they'd eat me. |
|
Martha. |
|
I'd say "Stay
away from me you filthy bears" You can't
eat me. And then I think about this....even
if the bears could hire a construction crew
or a real estate agent...how would they pay
them? Bears can't go get jobs. They'd try
to eat their co-workers. That wouldn't be
good for company morale, I think. Hiring bears. |
|
Martha! |
|
Oh just a second,
Davey. So, this bear has a home and is somehow
making a living. How did he buy all this furniture?
All the stores I know of have a rule against
bears coming inside to shop. So, I don't think
they'd really have all this furniture... |
|
MARTHA!! |
|
I said "hush",
David. I'm telling the story here. God, he's
sooo rude sometimes. So, my point is this...if
a bear has no job and no money and isn't allowed
in the stores then how can he possibly.... |
|
SHUT UP, YOU FAT,
BLUE ASSED BITCH!! |
|
DAVID!! |
|
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA |
|
What in the fuck
are you talking about!? |
|
I'm telling the
story. |
|
NO!! The story
doesn't go like that. They don't decide to
analyze how the bears came to have a house,
you moron!! |
|
Well, fuck you,
you illiterate scum bag....I was the one telling
the story...what the fuck were you doing? |
|
I told almost the
whole thing up until you started spouting
your bullshit about equity. |
|
David Crowe, you
are hurting my feelings right now and I don't
want to get into this with you... |
|
Oh...I hurt your
feelings? I'm sorry. Let me put this a different
way.....GO TO HELL AND DIE, YOU FISH SMELLING
HAG!!! |
|
DAVID!! |
|
EVERYBODY, SHUT
UP!! |
|
|
|
....................bitch! |
|
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA |
|
WHY YOU..... |
|
I said stop it!!
Both of you!! Now, you're wasting all the
time we have with this stupid fighting. If
you don't mind, let's just skip to the end
of the story. The part where the three bears
find Goldilocks upstairs. Can we do that? |
|
|
|
Yes, John. We can
do that. Would you like me to continue? |
|
Sure. Whatever.
Nerve wrackin' sons of bitches. |
|
What was that? |
|
Nothing...just...go
ahead. |
|
Okay...so...the
three bears came upstairs and saw the bedroom
was a mess. The Papa Bear first went over
to his bed and saw that it was all messed
up. "Someone's been sleeping in my bed"
he said. So then, the Momma Bear went over
to her bed and saw that it too was a mess.
"Someone's been sleeping in my bed."
She said. So then, the Baby Bear goes over
to his bed and says "Someone's been sleeping
in my bed and there she is.....sleeping right
next to my NO GOOD, DEAD BEAT OF A FUCKING
HUSBAND!!" |
|
YOU DIE, BITCH!!! |
|
Hold it!! |
|
Go ahead and kill
me, you sack of shit. It would be better than
living a life knowing that my husband is bringing
anything with a skirt into my bed!! |
|
Yeah!! Do it!! |
|
That's two, Ortiz!! |
|
Maybe I wouldn't
bring other women home if you weren't such
a dead fish in the sack!! It's like fucking
an ice cream sandwich with you, you hag!! |
|
Dammit, you better
kill me now, you fucker!! If you don't, I
swear to GOD I will kil you!! |
|
C'mon, guys!! |
|
What's stopped
you before!? |
|
Because I love
you!! |
|
Huh? |
|
Because I love
you. |
|
...........................yeah? |
|
Uh huh. |
|
You serious? |
|
Yeah. |
|
This is some fucked
up shit, man. |
|
Martha.....I'm
sorry. |
|
What? |
|
I said I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about the women and the booze and
treating you badly. You deserve better. I'm
just a regular guy and I make mistakes....but
all I've tried to do is love you. |
|
Yeah? |
|
Yeah. I'm sorry,
peanut. |
|
OHHHH, DAVEY!! |
|
Oh, Christ! |
|
MWAH! MWAH! MWAH!
I love you, David Crowe. |
|
And I love you,
Martha Crowe. |
|
Wow. |
|
And we love you,
Luis Ortiz. |
|
I love you, David
and Martha Crowe. |
|
What? |
|
Oooops, I think
John feels left out. |
|
I love you, Chon
Walsh. |
|
No no no!! Enough
of this. |
|
Awww, C'mon, Walsh.
The little guy said he loved you. Isn't that
nice? |
|
NO!! |
|
Well, don't you
worry, Luis. We love you. |
|
Hehehehehe |
|
Guards!! Get them
out of here!! |
|
Oh, Davey!! You
be careful and write me okay? |
|
I will, Martha.
I promise. And you try to relax. |
|
I will, Davey.
I will. I love you, David Crowe. MWAH!! |
|
I love you, Martha
Crowe. Goodbye, peanut. |
|
Goodbye, Davey. |
|
Sheeeeesh! |
|
Jeez, Chon Walsh,
you really need to lighten up. Stop hiding
your feelings from yourself. |
|
Ya know....you're
right, Ortiz. |
|
I am? |
|
Sure. You about
ready to go? |
|
Go? Go where? |
|
Was just gonna
go for a ride. Whaddaya say? |
|
Sure. Where we
goin'? |
|
TO CORNHOLEVILLE,
BITCH!!! |
|
AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
NO, CHON WALSH!! I DON'T WANNA GO TO CORNHOLEVILLE!!! |
|
Quit struggling!! |
|
But I never had
strike three, Chon Walsh!! |
|
Oh, don't worry.
You're about to feel strike three!! |
|
AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! |
