Hey there, Wicker Imperials!! It’s about time I start taking a regular look at music through my rosy colored glasses of gross subjectivity. (hehehehe Did I get that right, Crimson?) Me and Crimson got in a little lover’s spat once and he through that out at me and I’ve always wanted to use it since. Ahem!! Okay….back down to business.

A few things of importance to discuss in this edition of Wicker Music.

First, I have compiled a list of bands that I see as the most useless, uninspired and overrated bands that have somehow garnered fame. This is a list of bands that remind me of a funny Denis Leary skit. I think it goes something like this….”Stevie Ray Vaughn is dead and we can’t get Bon Jovi in an airplane!?” In short, the quote tells me….the fucking bands that should die in plane crashes NEVER FUCKING DO!! This is my list of bands that oughta disappear.

In the category of Pussy Rock Bands or Bands That Want To be Pearl Jam

1. Creed – aka: The Band That’s Been Banking on The Same Song With Different Words For FAR TOO FUCKING LONG!
2. Nickleback – aka: The Band That Saw How Successful Creed Was and Went “Hey, We Can Do That.” STOP TRYING!!
3. The Calling – aka: The Band That Saw How Successful Nickleback Was at Imitating Creed and Went “Hey, We Can Do That.” DIE!!
4. Default – aka: The Band That Went “Whoah, People Dig Ballads. Let’s Bank On Those.” Let Me Tell Ya About Another Band That Tried To Bank On Ballads. They Were Called Whitesnake. Where Are They Now? Exactly!
5. Lifehouse – aka: The Band That Pushes It’s Christian Influence. Wow, You’re Religious. That’s Cute. Now Get The Fuck Off Of My Radio, Jesus Freak.
6. Puddle of Mudd – aka: The Band That Did The Song “Blurry”. Ya Know What’s Blurry? Your Talent!!
7. The Goo Goo Dolls – aka: The Band That Did That Song From City Of Angels. Yes, They’ve Released Another Pussy Rock Ballad Filled Album. Grow A Fucking Set Already!

In the category of Pop Bands or Kiddie Acts That Are Forceably Pushed Down Our Throats

1. Jimmy Eat World - aka: The Band That Is Trying Way Too Hard To Sound Punk. Ya Know What The Difference Is Between You and Real Punk Bands? Punk Bands Don’t Doubt That They Suck.
2. N Sync – Must I Say Anything? At Least One of These Mother Fuckers Is Doing The Noble Thing and Trying To Shoot Himself Into Space. THANK GOD!!
3. Shakira – Okay, Honey. I Liked You Better The First Time When You Were Called “Selena”. You’re Pretty But You’re Bothering Me Now.
4. Aaron Carter – So, Isn’t This Kid Like 7 Years Old? And He Has A Legion Of Screaming Fans? Oh, I Hope This Kid Starts His Crack Habit Like Now! This Little Shit Should Be In School.
5. Mario – Yeah, Uhhhh, Nice Name There, Buddy. Where’s You’re Brother…What’s His Name? Luigi? Yeah, You’re A Winner, Buddy.
6. Ja Rule – I Liked You’re Shitty Part In “The Fast And The Furious” But You’re Really Starting To Piss Me Off. How Does One Get Credit For A Song That One Does Not Sing? Which Brings Me To My Next Statement. ENOUGH WITH THE DUETS WITH JENNIFER LOPEZ ALREADY!!! FUCK!!
7. Jennifer Lopez – No, I Won’t Call Her “J-Lo”. That’s About The Most Retarded Thing I’ve Ever Heard. How About We All Just Say “To Fuck With Our Names!! Let’s Just Come Up With Cute Abbreviations!” Yeah, That Would Go Over Like A Fart In Church. From Now On, We’ll Just Call The Pope “Pippy J.P.”. Or How About We Call George Lucas “G-Luc”? NO!!! And As A Musical Talent, She SUCKS!!! And As An Actress…She’s About Steven Seagal Tier. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING AT THE OSCARS!!??
8. Smash Mouth – Shut up. Just Shut Up. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

In the category of I Sound Like Dave Matthews And Should Be Shot

1. Jack Johnson – Here’s One Of Those Guys Who’s Just Had His Shit Pushed In One Too Many Times. He’s A Surfer. A Filmmaker. (He Makes Movies About Surfing) And Now He’s Started Recording. Dude, Pick A Hobby And Stick To It. There Was Only One Guy Who Could Do It All. His Name Is Bo Jackson. My Recommendation, Figure Out Which Of These You’re Actually Good At And Do That.
2. The Dave Matthews Band – Now, How’s That For Irony? Yeah, Dave, It’s Over. Hang It Up Before I Hang You!

And, finally, in the category of They're Just About Dead And Gone. If You Bring Them Back, I’ll Get Homicidal

1. Journey – Oh, My God!! The Original Pussy Rock Band. There Was A Time And Place For This Group. That Time, I Fear, Is Over.
2. Steve Perry – Yes, The Old Frontman For Journey. From What I Hear, This Guy Has Degenerative Bone Disease. Well, That Sucks But Here’s The Good News. He’ll Never Tour Again!!
3. Sixpence None The Richer – Holy Fucking Shit!! If I Have To Even Think About That Fucking “Kiss Me” Song One More Time, I’m Gonna Start Throwing Random Bricks Out The 20th Floor Of An Office Building.
4. Joey Lawrence – Remember This Tool? Hopefully Not. But For Those That Do….Isn’t The World A Brighter Place Now That He’s Dead? What’s That? He’s Still Alive? FUCK!!

Okay, so that’s the list I have thus far. Feel free to write me if you have anything to add to the list or anything you’d like to challenge.